Drones Deliver Walmart Groceries Now? Shut Up and Take My Money!

Good News Everyone! Drones are Delivering Stuff Now

Alright alright alright! Looks like the future is finally here and it's delivering groceries or at least that's what they tell me! This Zipline company they're teaming up with Walmart in Dallas Texas. Now I've seen a lot of crazy things in my time from Brain Slugs to Omicronians but autonomous drone delivery? That's something else. Apparently these 'P2 Zips' can haul eight pounds of goodies within a ten mile radius. I’m picturing Bender ordering a whole lot of malt liquor delivered straight to his shiny metal trap.

Dinner Plate Accuracy?! Don't Get Cocky Kid

The head honcho at Zipline Keller Rinaudo Cliffton (try saying that three times fast!) claims these drones have 'dinner plate level' accuracy. Dinner plate accuracy? That's like bragging about being able to hit the broad side of a barn... with a barn! Let's hope they don't mistake my apartment window for a delivery zone. I swear if I get a rogue package of discount toilet paper crashing through my already questionable window someone's getting a roundhouse kick. The good news is that unlike those Planet Express rockets these are suppose to be quiet.

300 Feet High? Sounds Like a Job for a Giant Magnet!

So here's the deal: the P2 Zip hovers 300 feet in the air then sends down a 'delivery zip' on a tether. It's like a high tech fishing expedition except the fish is a bag of Funyuns and disappointment. These things use cameras sensors and fancy chips to avoid obstacles. I’m still wondering if they can dodge a well aimed garbage can. Maybe I should test it.

A Million and a Half Deliveries! That's a Lot of Burritos!

Zipline's been doing this since 2016 racking up over 1.5 million deliveries. That's more than their competitor Wing. Impressive! But the real question is how many of those deliveries were pizza? I bet Fry would have bankrupted them with his anchovy pizza orders.

From Medicine to Mayo: The Evolution of Drone Deliveries

They started out delivering medicine and vaccines which is actually pretty decent I guess. Now they're delivering for Walmart Sweetgreen Chipotle and even hospitals like Cleveland Clinic and Mayo Clinic. So you can get your life saving medicine and your burrito bowl delivered by the same drone. Talk about efficiency!

Tariffs? What Tariffs? (I Hope)

With these new tariffs I am hoping that this does not affect Zipline's operations too much. I am sure that the Professor is working on something to stop this! At least they're built in the U.S. which is a relief. I just hope those drones don't start charging extra for fuel – I can barely afford my eye cream as it is.