Buy Stocks Now Or You'll Regret It For All Eternity!

Good News Everyone! Buy Stocks!

Alright alright settle down you mutated morons! It's your favorite cyclops Leela here to give you some financial advice straight from the year 3024 – or rather twisted from the 21st century. So apparently this Navarro character some kind of… *trade advisor* to President Trump is telling everyone to buy stocks. Says tax cuts are gonna make the market go 'whoop' – that's 'bullish,' for you dummies.

Ninety Deals in Ninety Days? Sounds Like a Zapp Brannigan Promise!

This Navarro guy is promising 'ninety deals in ninety days.' Honestly that sounds about as realistic as Zapp Brannigan promising to win a war without sacrificing a single man... except for the men he *intentionally* sacrifices. He even said 'If you're not long you're gonna get left behind!' Uh newsflash buddy that’s exactly what I’m trying to avoid. Last thing I need is to be left behind with the dregs of society and a bucket of Slurm.

Trust in Trump? I'd Rather Trust in Hypnotoad!

Navarro says America should 'trust in Trump.' Well I'd rather trust in Hypnotoad. At least with Hypnotoad you *know* you're being manipulated! This whole 'trust us it's gonna be bullish' thing sounds suspiciously like a used car salesman trying to convince me this rusty bucket is space worthy. Which knowing my luck it probably is.

Paper Losses and the Art of Not Selling (Everything)

Okay so the S&P 500 is down 12.5% since Trump re entered the White House (whatever that means). But Navarro’s logic is pure genius 'If you don't sell you don't lose!' I mean he's got a point. I also haven't lost any of my hair because I have one and I haven't sold it for scrap metal yet. That's the kind of thinking that’ll get you far folks. Probably to the poorhouse but far nonetheless!

Blame Jamie Dimon? That's Unpossible!

Now he’s taking shots at Jamie Dimon the CEO of JPMorgan Chase. Claims Dimon’s firm is making a killing off the market's ups and downs. Navarro wants to protect the little guy 'mom and pop.' I just hope 'mom and pop' aren’t too busy fighting off Omicronians to worry about their stock portfolio. It's all just a big Blernsball game to these Wall Street jerks anyway.

Brace Yourselves The Turbulence Is Coming!

Dimon meanwhile is talking about 'considerable turbulence' and 'potential trade wars.' Sounds like he's been watching too much of Zapp Brannigan's war strategies videos. So there you have it folks! Take Navarro's advice and buy stocks or don't. Honestly I'm just trying to survive the next alien invasion so what do I know? Just remember 'When will they ever learn? The answer: When you spank them!' Leela out!