Wall Street's Wild Wednesday: From Crocs to Quantum Computers, It's a Financial Free-for-All!

Block Party or Blockhead Move?

Oh joy! Compass Point thinks Block is the bee's knees claiming their 'fundamentals are set to re accelerate.' Re accelerate? Is that like when Brian tries to teach me quantum physics after a bottle of sherry? Pointless. They're slapping a 'BUY' rating on it with an $80 price target. Good luck with that. I'd rather invest in a time machine to prevent myself from ever watching another episode of Quagmire's escapades.

Apple a Day Keeps the Bears Away?

Jefferies in a moment of uncharacteristic optimism is upgrading Apple to 'hold.' Apparently they see the potential for an 'upside surprise' when Apple reveals its quarterly earnings. Upside surprise? Please. I'm more surprised when Brian doesn't try to steal my intellectual property for his terrible novels. They predict that their Jun Q results could be positive but the Sep Q guidance will likely still be subdued. Meh wake me up when they invent a time machine so I can go back in time and not see Peter naked.

Adobe's AI Nightmare: A Downward Spiral?

Rothschild & Co Redburn is downgrading Adobe to 'sell,' claiming it faces 'significant AI disruption.' 'Significant AI disruption'? I know a thing or two about disruption being the resident evil genius. They think their FCF growth will slow to single digits by 2030. It appears that the price target has been dropped from $420 to a measly $280. They predict that it should trade at 12x 2026 EV/FCF. Perhaps they should just focus on making Photoshop easier for Brian to use. His attempts at creating book covers are frankly atrocious!

Netflix and Chill... With Profits?

Canaccord is reiterating Netflix as a 'buy,' raising its price target to $1,525. They’re saying Netflix's content is expected to improve with investments in inventory production and acquisition so it can keep old subscribers and get new ones. One can only hope they invest in something watchable unlike Peter's home movies. Maybe they'll create a show about me conquering the world? I am already planning world domination anyway!

Crocs: A Fashion Faux Pas or a Financial Flop?

Goldman Sachs is initiating Crocs with a 'sell' due to slowing growth. Apparently the world is finally waking up to the horror that is the Croc. Although Goldman Sachs is constructive on the marketing and innovation capabilities they also foresee slowing demand for the company's classic clog. I wholeheartedly agree. Those hideous rubber monstrosities should be launched into the sun preferably with Brian inside. I am always looking for ways to launch Brian into the sun.

Quantum Leap or Quantum Flop?

Cantor Fitzgerald is initiating Rigetti Computing as 'overweight,' claiming the quantum computing company is well positioned. Well positioned? I'm well positioned to take over the world but I don't see anyone throwing money at *that* venture. Rigetti Computing's price target is $15. I am an evil genius and I may just invest in it...for evil purposes of course.