Volvo's Got the Redundancy Blues: 3,000 Jobs Heading to the Great Beyond!

What the Deuce is Going On at Volvo?

Good heavens what's this I hear? Volvo that purveyor of fine Swedish automobiles (or at least automobiles assembled in Sweden by people who probably enjoy a good herring) is slashing 3,000 jobs. Three THOUSAND! It's like the entire writing staff of 'Family Guy' getting canned – unthinkable yet alas here we are. Apparently this is all part of some grand cost cutting scheme because you know even Volvo can't escape the cold clammy grip of the modern economy. It appears Mr. Samuelsson is tightening the company's proverbial purse strings.

Office Space Meet the Unemployment Line

The axe is primarily falling on those poor souls chained to desks in Sweden. Office based positions they say. Well I say perhaps they should've invested in more robust staplers and ergonomic chairs. You snooze you lose chaps! A 15% reduction in the office based workforce you say? Oh the humanity! Where will these people go? Will they become lumberjacks? Viking re enactors? The possibilities are endless and frankly a tad bit frightening.

Consultants Your Services Are No Longer Required

And let's not forget the consultants! A thousand of them are getting the boot mainly in Sweden. Oh the irony! Consultants those paragons of efficiency and corporate wisdom deemed too expensive for the very companies they were advising. It's like finding out your therapist needs therapy. Utterly delicious! The old saying goes 'It's better to have loved and lost than to live with that psycho for the rest of your life.' In this case it's better to have been consulted and fired than to have never consulted at all. Pip pip cheerio!

Blame it on Trump (or China or Both)

Of course no good economic meltdown is complete without a dash of international intrigue and trade wars. Apparently tariffs and trade uncertainty are playing a significant role. Donald Trump (the orange menace) threatened to slap hefty tariffs on European imports sending shivers down the spines of automakers everywhere. It's all frightfully complex but the gist of it is: when powerful men squabble the little people lose their jobs. Quelle surprise!

The Electric Dream Derailed?

Volvo once a staunch advocate for the all electric future is now hedging its bets. They've backpedaled on their near term goal of selling only EVs citing the need for “pragmatism and flexibility.” Oh the hypocrisy! It's like Peter promising to quit drinking only to be found three sheets to the wind an hour later. The EV revolution it seems is facing a few speed bumps. Or perhaps a complete engine failure. Giggity!

So What's Next You Inept Morons?

So what does all this mean? Well for 3,000 people it means a lot of soul searching and updating their resumes. For Volvo it means hoping these drastic measures will keep them afloat in the turbulent seas of the global economy. As for me well I'll be here sipping my sherry and plotting my eventual world domination. After all someone has to maintain a sense of order in this utter chaos. Now if you'll excuse me I have a teddy bear to berate.