Victory is Mine! S&P 500 Set to Conquer All (Recession? Not on My Watch!)

Ahem World Domination is Nigh!

Good heavens is this what passes for financial news these days? It seems the S&P 500 is practically tap dancing on the doorstep of a new record high! A measly 3% away? That's practically spitting distance! According to some fellow named Joe Kalish at Ned Davis Research – sounds dreadfully important doesn't he? – only a recession could possibly derail this delightful train. Honestly it's enough to make one choke on one's Ovaltine.

No Recession? Blast and Confound It!

Kalish (that name again!) claims that the economy is surprisingly… stable. Stable! Where's the fun in that? I had plans you see. Plans involving economic collapse a swift takeover and the implementation of a world order based entirely on my whims. But no apparently the Labor Department decided to throw a wrench in my plans by adding 139,000 jobs in May. Utterly inconvenient if you ask me.

Industrial Production? More Like Industrial Obstruction!

And as if to further insult my intelligence this Kalish chap points out that industrial production is almost at an all time high. Honestly what is a megalomaniacal baby supposed to do? Perhaps I need to invest in a good old fashioned doomsday device. Or maybe Brian can finally invent a time machine then maybe I can go back and create my own reality!

Bear Market? More Like Barely a Scratch!

Apparently there was a brief moment of panic during this so called “global trade scare.” The S&P 500 supposedly fell nearly 19% from its all time high. A tragedy I'm sure for all those boring adults who care about such things. But fear not they didn't have to go back to their old ways like working at the Happy Go Lucky toy factory!

Cracks? More Like Minor Irritations!

Alright alright so maybe there are a few “cracks” in the economy. Housing starts are down retail sales are sluggish and there's some kerfuffle brewing between Israel and Iran. But honestly who cares? As long as my stock portfolio is thriving I can weather any storm. As Bertram always says 'I'll destroy you!'"

Mondelez? Sounds Deliciously Evil!

And to top it all off Wells Fargo has upgraded some company called Mondelez. Apparently they're doing rather well thanks to their… *checks notes* …“proactive M&A strategy.” Sounds delightfully evil doesn't it? Perhaps I should acquire them myself. After all who wouldn't want a world powered by chocolate and cunning?