Victory is Mine! Crypto Prices Soar as Trump Declares Ceasefire and Republicans Plot Crypto Domination!

A HA! World Peace and Crypto Gains?

Good heavens have you seen this? It appears that the imbecile President Trump in a move that can only be described as accidental genius has brokered a ceasefire between Iran and Israel. As a result crypto prices including that rather pedestrian Bitcoin have gone absolutely bonkers! Bitcoin crossed $105,000. Ether jumped back above the $2,400 mark and XRP…well XRP is still XRP isn't it? But even that climbed to $2.19. A HA! Victory is mine! (No wait that’s not right). It seems the world holds its breath on whether the geriatric buffoon can solve a problem then celebrates with digital Monopoly money! The irony is thicker than Lois's attempts at 'art'.

Republicans Ride to the Rescue (Maybe)

But wait there's more! As if Trump playing world peace negotiator wasn't absurd enough the Republicans have decided to wade into the crypto swamp. Apparently they've unveiled a 'major bill' to set the rules of the road. Honestly you'd think they'd have more important things to do like perfecting the art of the perfectly coiffed comb over. This bill will supposedly define when crypto is a 'commodity' or a 'security.' Oh and they're going to let crypto exchanges register with the Commodity Futures Trading Commission. Fancy that! And reduce the Securities and Exchange Commission's regulation of digital assets. This is a total reversal from that nincompoop Biden's SEC Chair Gary Gensler's plan to regulate the hell out of everything. Quite the turnaround isn't it? I almost choked on my juice box.

Regulation Shmegulation!

This new framework is being spearheaded by some senators I've never heard of (Tim Scott and Cynthia Lummis apparently). Vlad Tenev of Robinhood (of course!) is blathering on about how this is important for the US to regain the lead in the crypto industry. I would rather have a real boy! What is the world coming to?! This Senate development is more important than Brian's latest novel.

Stablecoins Stable Minds?

Speaking of stablecoins the Senate actually passed a bill about them last week. A legislative victory! But these bills prohibit yield bearing consumer stablecoins and there are different views on who should regulate them. I am not amused. Although I must admit the term 'stablecoin' is amusing in itself. It's like calling Peter 'graceful'.

Visa Gets on the Bandwagon

Even that colossal credit card company Visa is getting in on the stablecoin action. Their CEO Ryan McInerney is quoted as saying they're 'embracing' them. Embracing! As if Visa has a choice. They're probably just terrified of being left behind. Much like Lois when she sees a new salad fork at a fancy dinner.

Money Money Money!

And just when you thought the madness couldn't escalate any further investors are throwing money at Digital Asset a 'regulated crypto player.' They've raised $135 million from the usual suspects: Goldman Sachs BNP Paribas and even that hedge fund barbarian Ken Griffin. They will use the funding to advance adoption of its Canton network. World Domination will be mine! Wait this is about digital assets... That is how major financial institutions are embedding themselves into the crypto world. I'll be the one who ends up on top. It's only a matter of time... Bwahahaha!