Trump's Trade Triumph and Chip Stock Shenanigans! What a Week, Eh?

A Glorious Opening Or Is It?

Good heavens what a circus! The stock market is apparently doing the Charleston this morning all thanks to that tangerine buffoon Trump and his 'comprehensive' trade deal with the UK. Comprehensive he says! I wouldn't trust that man to comprehensively tie my shoes let alone negotiate international trade. But alas here we are poised for a 'strong' open. Meanwhile the Fed is just sitting there twiddling its thumbs waiting to see how tariffs mess everything up. Honestly it's like watching a toddler play with dynamite. Utterly fascinating but deeply concerning.

Chip Stocks and AI Tomfoolery

Oh and let's not forget the chip stocks! Nvidia and its pals are having a jolly good time after Bloomberg reported that Trump won't be implementing Biden's AI diffusion rules. Apparently delaying the inevitable technological apocalypse is cause for celebration. Bernstein chimes in warning that a government to government agreement could be even worse. It's like choosing between being nibbled to death by ducks or mauled by a bear. A tough choice indeed.

Arm's Dismemberment (Figuratively Of Course)

Now for some schadenfreude: Arm shares are plummeting like Brian after a night at the Clam. Their fiscal report was 'slightly' better than expected but their guidance missed the mark. Revenue outlook below consensus? That's corporate speak for 'We're doomed!' Serves them right I say. Honestly who even uses arms anymore? It's all about prehensile tails these days.

Alphabet Soup and Analyst Antics

Alphabet bless their corporate little hearts took a beating yesterday but are attempting a comeback. Apparently search queries are still growing even from Apple devices. Imagine the sheer audacity! I bet they're all searching for 'How to escape Stewie Griffin's world domination plan.' Good luck with that you imbeciles! Analysts are of course scrambling to justify their existence defending Alphabet like they're the last bastion of civilization. It's all rather tiresome isn't it?

Costco's Craze and Tapestry's Triumph

Costco is reporting strong April sales! Everyone loves buying in bulk especially when they can get a year's supply of toilet paper and industrial sized vats of mayonnaise. And Tapestry the purveyors of overpriced handbags are celebrating a stellar quarter. Revenue is up outlook raised despite the impending tariff apocalypse. Clearly people will always find a way to spend their money on utterly useless things. It's the American way isn't it? "Victory is mine!" Stewie Griffin

Pharma Phollies and Shopify's Shenanigans

Pharma stocks are having a bad week thanks to Trump's plans to target Medicare drug pricing. Eli Lilly and Bristol Myers Squibb are whimpering in the corner. It's enough to bring a tear to my eye... of laughter! Kenvue the J&J spinoff is doing slightly better because people will always need Tylenol to recover from the agony of existence. Finally Shopify is reporting slightly better revenue but missed on operating income. Oh the drama! Dutch Bros. saw modest gains because coffee is like a necessity man.