Trump's Trade Tantrums: A Stewie Griffin Exclusive on Digital Tax Armageddon

Blast Off: The Digital Tax Debacle Begins

Good heavens it's Stewie Griffin here your favourite erudite infant reporting live from the chaotic sandbox we call international trade. Apparently President Trump a man whose understanding of economics is roughly equivalent to Brian's understanding of astrophysics is on a rampage against digital services taxes (DSTs). Yes those pesky little levies that countries impose on tech giants. It appears Uncle Sam wants to play world police again and this time is about money. Honestly it's all rather tiresome isn't it? It reminds me of the time Brian tried to explain cryptocurrency to me. Utterly bewildering and ultimately pointless.

Canada Caves: Oh the Humanity!

In a rather pathetic display of international relations Canada led by the ever so dreamy Prime Minister Trudeau (but not dreamier than me naturally) folded like a cheap suit and scrapped its DST. Apparently Trump threw a hissy fit of epic proportions threatening to end all trade talks. Honestly the man’s negotiating tactics are about as sophisticated as Peter trying to parallel park. According to that windbag Kevin Hassett Canada's actions meant that the US didn't have to put in a “really complicated retaliation to the tax code”. Complicated? Like figuring out why Lois insists on wearing those hideous floral aprons? Indeed.

Hassett's Hot Takes: Wisdom or Hot Air?

Ah Kevin Hassett. The man speaks with such confidence one might think he actually knows what he's talking about. He boldly declared that countries with DSTs are going to face the “wrath” of U.S. Trade Representative Jameson Greer. Wrath! It sounds like something out of the Old Testament. Or perhaps a particularly dramatic episode of 'Downton Abbey.' In any case it’s clear that the Trump administration isn’t messing around. Though let's be honest they rarely do. Messing around is more Peter's forte especially when Meg's involved.

Deadlines Loom: Tick Tock Goes the Tariff Clock

Apparently the Trump administration is juggling a whole host of self imposed deadlines. Tariffs trade deals and tax legislation – oh my! It's like watching a pack of chimpanzees trying to assemble IKEA furniture. Hassett seems optimistic predicting a “marathon session” in the Oval Office where Trump and his minions will decide the fate of global trade. One can only imagine the scene. Trump surrounded by charts and graphs he doesn’t understand randomly pointing at countries and yelling “Tariff! No Tariff! Tariff!” It's all so wonderfully absurd.

The Oval Office: Where Deals Go to Die?

If Hassett's predictions come to pass there will be a “marathon session” in the Oval Office in which Trump and his aides will tick down a list of countries and make final calls on U.S. tariff rates for each. Trump said: “ We can do whatever we want ”. I am getting tired of this world and its leaders. Where is my time machine?

The Future: Chaos or Civilization?

So what does all this mean? Well if you’re asking me it means more chaos. More uncertainty. More opportunities for me to exploit the situation for my own nefarious purposes. After all when the world is in disarray a diabolical genius like myself thrives. Now if you’ll excuse me I have a time machine to build and a world to conquer. Pip pip cheerio!