Trump's Tariffs Trigger Economic Mayhem! Is Your iPhone Doomed?!

Oh Goodie Another Global Crisis!

Right so it seems the orange buffoon Donald Trump and his tariffs are causing quite the kerfuffle. Businesses are stocking up like they're preparing for the apocalypse and consumers? Well they're snatching up iPhones faster than Brian can sniff out a martini. Honestly it's like watching a bunch of lemmings rushing towards a cliff except the cliff is a slightly overpriced gadget. I mean really must we devolve into chaos over impending tariffs? It's all so tiresome.

Economic Boom...Or Just a Big Fat Mirage?

According to some bloke from the Federal Reserve Bank of Chicago – Austan Goolsbee sounds like a character from a Roald Dahl book doesn't it? – this panic buying might make things look artificially rosy for a bit. But hold your horses because come summer it's all going to come crashing down like Lois trying to bake a soufflé. Everyone will have their fill of consumer goods and the economy will go belly up! Oh the humanity!

The Auto Industry: A Victim of Circumstance?

Apparently the auto industry is particularly screwed. They're stocking up on parts faster than Peter stocks up on beer for a Blimpies commercial. Because if those import levies rise well let's just say you'll be paying more for that gas guzzler than you would for a lifetime supply of Rupert Grint memorabilia. It's all rather dramatic isn't it? I almost feel bad for those car manufacturers. Almost.

China's Taking a Hit! Oh Wait...

Oh China faces a whopping 145% tariff rate! I say! It is a lot even for me. And some poor bloke named Matt Rollens who runs a drinkware company is basically holding his breath hoping these tariffs disappear faster than my patience when forced to watch Brian's pretentious plays. He can't afford to raise prices or else his customers will vanish like Lois's cooking skills. One must feel for him!

Silver Linings and Economic Shenanigans

However the chap Goolsbee still has a glimmer of hope. He says that underneath the panic the data looked promising. Unemployment low inflation coming down. But alas that is not enough I want to feel like I am in the 20s again with the inflation so I can benefit with my investment skills. In the meantime let us panic!

So What's a Sophisticated Lad to Do?

Well darling you can panic and buy all the things! Or you can sit back sip your brandy and watch the world burn. Maybe it's time I invested in a doomsday bunker with a fully stocked bar. After all if the economy is going to implode one might as well do it in style. Cheerio!