Retirement Apocalypse! Are Your Savings Safe From Trump's Tariffs and Market Madness?!

The Market's Gone Bonkers! Good Grief!

Oh blast! It appears the American stock market has decided to throw a monumental hissy fit all thanks to that tangerine toned buffoon in the White House and his 'reciprocal' tariffs. Honestly one would think adults could handle international trade without resorting to playground tactics. Since April 2nd the S&P 500 has plummeted almost 10%! Ten percent! Do you know how many laser blasters I could buy with that kind of money? It's enough to make one reach for a stiff gin and tonic and I'm not even old enough to procure one legally!

Trump vs. The Fed: A Comedy of Errors (With Your Money)

As if tariffs weren't enough that blithering idiot Trump is now attacking Federal Reserve Chairman Jerome Powell. Calling him a 'major loser'? Really? It's like watching two toddlers squabble over a rattle except this rattle is the entire American economy! And the worst part? This childishness is causing investors to panic. Retirement savers are fleeing stocks faster than Brian when he sees a vacuum cleaner. Though I suppose if I had to choose between trusting Trump and trusting Brian I'd pick Brian... barely.

Retreat! Retreat! To the Safe Zones!

March saw a mass exodus from large cap U.S. equity funds and target date funds. Everyone's running to 'safer' investments like stable value funds bond funds and money market funds. It's like the financial version of the Donner Party only instead of eating each other they're cannibalizing their long term growth potential. A bit dramatic? Perhaps. But I wouldn't expect anything less from myself would you?

Stable Value Funds: Are They the Holy Grail?

So everyone's piling into stable value funds which are basically bonds with an insurance 'wrapper'. They offer a 'crediting rate' and promise to protect your principal. Sounds lovely doesn't it? Like a warm bath on a cold day. But don't be fooled! As Rob Austin from Alight Solutions so eloquently put it this is just market timing. And as we all know timing is everything. Just ask Lois she's got a clockwork cervix!

Inflation: The Silent Killer

While stable value funds may seem safe they might not outpace inflation. You might not lose money directly but your purchasing power will erode faster than Brian's dignity after a few too many martinis. Remember safety doesn't always equal growth. It's like the difference between Lois's cooking and a gourmet meal. One keeps you alive; the other makes life worth living.

Don't Be a Chicken: A Word of (Sort Of) Wisdom

Jania Stout from Prime Capital Retirement & Wellness makes a salient point: people are quick to bail out of the market but slow to jump back in. It's like trying to get Brian to take a bath. It takes an act of Congress to get him in the tub but then he doesn't want to leave. Before you make any rash decisions with your retirement savings remember to consider your long term goals. And for the love of God don't let Trump's tweets dictate your financial future. Unless of course he tweets about investing in laser blasters. Then all bets are off!