Oh My God Tariffs are Going to Ruin My Bloody Marys! Higher Prices are Coming!

Victory is Mine! Or is it?

Good heavens this is Stewie Griffin reporting on a most distressing development! Apparently these *tariffs* that Donald Trump has been flailing about with are going to make things rather…expensive. You know like those rare vintage wines I need to pair with my exquisitely prepared foie gras. Mark Zandi from Moody's is saying things will get 'ugly' by June or July. Ugh as if my summer wardrobe wasn't enough of a nightmare already.

Those Damned Taxes!

According to these so called 'economists' (as if they know more than I do about world domination) tariffs are essentially taxes on imports which are then passed on to us the consumers! This is unacceptable! Do you realize what this means for my allowance? Less money for ray guns and more for…food? Disgusting.

Purchasing Power? More Like Purchasing Poverty!

This Yale Budget Lab (sounds dreadfully boring) claims we'll lose $4,400 in purchasing power. That's nearly enough to fund my next elaborate scheme to rid myself of Lois! And all because of these tariffs! I need a drink; perhaps a spot of Scotch. On second thought better make it something cheaper thanks to Trump!

Darkly Ironic? More Like Plain Stupid!

Apparently the prospect of a trade war somehow made inflation look *better* in March. Oh the irony! It's like when Chris tries to be helpful but ends up setting the house on fire. Speaking of oil prices…they're down. Which is fine I guess. But I need my oil for…well you don't need to know what I need my oil for. Suffice it to say it involves lasers.

Tick Tock the Price Hikes are Coming

Thomas Ryan from Capital Economics says we'll see price increases by May. May! That's practically tomorrow! They're saying the consumer price index could peak around 4% in 2025. Four percent! At that rate I might as well start knitting my own clothes! Food prices are going to rise first they say. Grocers can't hold onto stock and will instantly pass the extra prices to consumers. First they come for the vintage wines then it is the Gruyere? Absolutely barbaric!

Trump to the Rescue! Or More Likely the Wrecking Ball

But there's still hope you see. Trump *might* change course. He backed down from tariffs on some countries. But then again he might decide to build a wall around my sandbox. The man is about as predictable as Brian after a martini binge. He's slapped a 145% levy on goods from China a 'de facto embargo,' according to one of these blithering economists. So good luck finding that imported gadget you wanted. Now if you'll excuse me I have to go strategize on how to corner the market on affordable baby formula. Because even evil geniuses need to budget apparently.