Morgan Stanley Just Did WHAT?! You Won't Believe Their Profits!

Victory is Mine! (and Morgan Stanley's)

Good heavens has anyone checked if Brian is invested in Morgan Stanley? Because apparently they're swimming in more cash than Carter Pewterschmidt after a successful day of well whatever it is he does. First quarter results are in and wouldn't you know it they've actually exceeded expectations. I always knew those Wall Street types were slimy but this is a whole new level of...profitable sliminess. Makes one wonder if they've been taking lessons from me in world domination. Though frankly I doubt their methods are nearly as sophisticated as mine will be when I finally unleash my weapon.

45%?! What in Tarnation?

A 45% surge in stock trading revenue? That's almost as impressive as my ability to construct a time machine out of spare parts (take that Herbert!). Apparently all this global volatility has actually *helped* them. You'd think with the world teetering on the brink of collapse their portfolios would be doing a tap dance off a cliff. Shows what I know. Maybe I should invest; I have a few dollars in my trust fund but I would need to consult Bertram first he is a trust fund baby himself after all. Instead of buying more plutonium I could buy the stock. The possibilities are endless! Although this makes me very cross.

Asia is Rising and So Are Profits

They specifically mentioned Asia being a strong point. Well isn't that just peachy? All those emerging markets doing better than expected. Reminds me of the time I tried to establish a trade route with a tribe of intelligent squirrels... Let's just say the 'nut' market wasn't as lucrative as these stock traders are experiencing. "Driven by strong client activity amid a more volatile trading environment," they say. So basically chaos is their fuel. Makes perfect sense. These guys are more evil than I previously thought and I did previously think they were very evil!

The Rest of the Loot

Fixed income trading was up a measly 5%. How pedestrian! Investment banking rose 8% falling slightly short of expectations. And wealth management? Up 6% matching estimates. All rather... underwhelming compared to that glorious 45% jump. It's like comparing the Mona Lisa to a stick figure drawing by Brian bless his canine heart because they're both equally moronic.

Trump's Trade Wars: A Blessing in Disguise?

Ah yes the infamous Trump trade policies. Apparently they've been whipsawing the market causing all sorts of delightful chaos. One man's recession fear is another man's profit opportunity I suppose. I swear that man could start a war in a sandbox. Meanwhile Morgan Stanley is just sitting back raking in the dough. Those greedy little piggies.

Mergers and IPOs: To Be or Not to Be?

Analysts are wondering about mergers and IPOs. Personally I'm more concerned about the lack of decent afternoon tea these days. But I digress. The tensions *could* curtail things. Or you know they could explode and create even MORE volatility. Either way Morgan Stanley probably wins. Unless I do something about it first of course. "What what in the butt?" as Quagmire would say. Well Morgan Stanley this just means war! And I *never* lose!