Is Your Portfolio Toast?! Stocks Tumble and Soar Like a Diaper Full of Mercury!

Comcast's Cable Catastrophe! Bumbling Brian Strikes Again!

Good heavens what's this? Comcast that behemoth of boredom is hemorrhaging customers faster than Brian after a night at the Drunken Clam! Down 3%! Apparently people are finally realizing there are better things to do than watch reruns of 'According to Jim.' Who knew? It seems even their earnings beat couldn't save them from the axe. Perhaps they should invest in some new material. I have some ideas involving time travel ray guns and perhaps a cameo by yours truly.

PepsiCo's Pouting Performance! Tariffs: The Silent Killer of Refreshment!

Oh the horror! PepsiCo purveyor of sugary delights and questionable nutritional value is also feeling the pinch. Down 1%! Apparently these *tariffs* are doing a number on their projections. Honestly what's the point of world domination if you can't even afford to ship your high fructose corn syrup? And Brian drinks more Pepsi than anyone I know how is he not concerned?! I swear the ignorance is infuriating.

Triumph and Trauma! A Rollercoaster of Corporate Fates!

It's a mixed bag really. Procter & Gamble bless their heart had a bit of a stumble. Merck surprisingly did rather well though even they're whimpering about those dreaded tariffs. And American Airlines? They're just throwing their hands up in the air and giving up on 2025! Talk about a lack of ambition. Where's the global domination?! The intergalactic travel?! Honestly people!

Chipotle's Chilli Chill! Did Someone Say "E. Coli"?

Oh dear. Chipotle the purveyor of oversized burritos and questionable sanitary habits is DOWN 3.5%! First same store sales drop since 2020! The memories of E. coli outbreaks are a long one I presume! Perhaps they should invest in some actual flavor instead of relying on sheer mass to impress the masses. One thing I am sure of it is more bland than the taste of that idiot Chris Griffin's head.

Tech Titans Triumph! Texas Instruments and Lam Research Ride the Wave!

But fear not for there are winners in this economic circus! Texas Instruments is soaring up a whopping 8.5%! And Lam Research is also enjoying a rather splendid day up 3.5%! It seems that even in these uncertain times there's money to be made in the world of semiconductors. Perhaps I should invest. I'd make more money than Lois ever will.

Hasbro's Happy Hour! Toys to the Rescue?

And finally a cause for genuine celebration! Hasbro the purveyors of plastic joy and capitalist indoctrination are up 7.6%! Apparently people are still buying toys despite the impending economic apocalypse. Though I do wonder what kind of toys these are? Are they new weapons? Did they finally release a Stewie Griffin action figure? In which case I DEMAND royalties! If I was Peter I would want royalties too because he is the center of attention in the show yet everyone forgets about him!