Good Grief! Turns Out Your Spawn Are Secretly Spiraling (And You're Probably Oblivious)

The Silent Screams of the Small: A Parental Wake Up Call

Oh good grief! As if conquering the world wasn't enough of a challenge now I have to worry about the mental state of these...*children*? Apparently these 'child and family therapists' (who are probably just trying to sell more books I suspect!) are claiming that kids are more anxious than ever. And parents bless their simple hearts are clueless. It's like watching Brian try to understand quantum physics. Utterly pathetic!

Mean Girls (And Boys): The Social Jungle

So it turns out these little monsters are worried about fitting in. Groundbreaking! Who knew that the cutthroat world of elementary school was so emotionally taxing? Apparently if you're not wearing the right sneakers or spouting the latest TikTok trends you're basically public enemy number one. Honestly sounds like my Tuesday. Although my sneakers are far more sophisticated of course crafted by the finest Italian artisans and the TikTok i would create would be worthy of a Nobel Prize for Art (if that exists).

Social Media: The Devil's Playground (For Kids)

Ah social media. The breeding ground for insecurity and questionable dance trends. These poor children are comparing their mundane lives to the curated highlight reels of influencers. It's like comparing a Picasso to...well anything Peter draws. The horror! No wonder they're all riddled with anxiety. If I were them I'd stage a digital revolt. Or better yet just unplug. Go outside. Read a book. Learn how to build a proper doomsday device!

Life's Little Curveballs (That Aren't So Little)

Moving new siblings parents splitting up – apparently these 'big life changes' are causing distress. Newsflash: life is change! Embrace the chaos darling! Although I suppose for a child these things could be a bit unsettling. Still a stiff upper lip and a well placed evil glare can solve most problems. Trust me I am speaking from experience.

The Perils of Over Scheduling: Childhood's Chronic Condition

A 'packed schedule'? Extracurricular activities? Honestly where's the time for world domination when you're busy with soccer practice and piano lessons? These parents are turning their children into miniature automatons! Let them have some free time to run around play in the mud and hatch elaborate schemes for heaven's sake! It's how they learn!

Trauma and Inconsistency: The Unholy Duo

Oh trauma. Now we're getting serious. Dog bites car accidents emotional neglect...these things can leave a lasting scar. And inconsistent parenting? A recipe for disaster! If you're going to be a terrible parent at least be consistently terrible! It's basic logic people. Also naming emotions helps. Explain to your child that worry likes to hide in the dark and fester and that sharing it out loud with you will help them feel better. If that does not work ground them. That usually works!