Giggity Giggity Goo! Tech Giants Band Together to Invest in Veza - Because Apparently, Everyone's Been Naughty with Corporate Data!

Victory is Mine! ... Funding Round That Is

Oh joy! It seems the dullards over at Google Amazon Microsoft and Nvidia have been gallivanting around with their AI startups. But guess who's stealing the spotlight now? That's right me! ... Okay fine it's actually these cloud software vendors who are getting all uppity and investing in things like Veza. Honestly it's like watching Brian attempt to write a novel utterly tedious until someone gets drunk and starts a fire. Anyway Veza just snagged a whopping $108 million in a funding round from Atlassian Snowflake and Workday. Apparently they're valued at around $800 million. Ahem that's a lot of Rupert Murdoch newspapers!

Who's Touching My Stuff? Unveiling the Mystery of Access Control

Harsha Kapre from Snowflake a company that sounds like something that fell out of Mr. Herbert's nose said they've been using Veza for two whole years to check who's been reading and writing all over their data. Can you imagine the horror? It's like finding out Brian has been using my time machine to fetch his tennis ball. The nerve! Kapre also mentioned something about 'over provisioning' leading to cyberattacks. It's all quite dreadful really. Makes one yearn for the simpler days of world domination attempts. At least then I knew who to vaporize.

Preserving Cash Like Lois Preserves Leftovers (Forever)

Apparently traditional venture firms are struggling because of something called 'inflation' and 'rising interest rates'. It sounds suspiciously like something Mort Goldman would complain about. And to make matters worse Trump's tariff proposals have scared off potential IPOs. Oh the humanity! So venture firms are hoarding cash like Lois hoarding leftovers from a meal she made in 1987. Meanwhile corporate venture operates differently because it's all about strategic investments not just making a quick buck. Atlassian even demands that startups reveal how many customers integrate with them each quarter. It's like they're running a popularity contest for nerds. Giggity.

Waking Up a Sleeping Industry! Or At Least Nudging It a Bit.

Good heavens Veza's CEO Tarun Thakur says they've 'woken up a sleeping industry.' I highly doubt that. The only thing that can truly wake up an industry is a well placed explosion or perhaps a rousing rendition of 'Shipoopi.' Still the fact that cybersecurity is gaining importance is mildly encouraging. After all a world full of vulnerable networks is a world ripe for the taking. Mwahahaha! I mean good for them of course.

Los Gatos... More Like Los Ridiculous

Thakur's home in Los Gatos doubles as Veza's headquarters. Los Gatos! Honestly it sounds like a rejected Dr. Seuss character. Anyway Veza has 200 employees and their sales have more than doubled. They're even building enhancements to support AI agent identities. Good grief. Can't these blithering idiots see that AI agents are just a precursor to the robot apocalypse? I need to finish my defense shield for my bedroom window.

A Symbiotic Match Made in... Silicon Valley?

Peter Lenke head of Atlassian's venture arm isn't even a Veza client yet! Can you believe the audacity? It's like Brian refusing to fetch my slippers. The impertinence! He does say that startups benefit from Atlassian investments because they have a 'large footprint.' I must remember to get my foot enlarged one day. Imagine the possibilities!