Bloody Hell! Russia's Land Grab in Ukraine Escalates While Peace Talks Go to Pot!

Blast It! Another Day Another Invasion!

Right so picture this: I'm sipping my morning Earl Grey pondering the nuances of world domination when suddenly I'm bombarded with news of Russia's latest land grab in Ukraine. Honestly these chaps are like a toddler with a new set of building blocks – utterly obsessed with rearranging things to their liking. Apparently they've waltzed right up to the edge of Dnipropetrovsk like they’re popping over for tea and crumpets. But trust me it's anything BUT civil. It's like watching Lois try to cook... messy and ultimately someone's going to get hurt. 'Victory is mine!'...or so they think.

Negotiations? More Like 'Negoti aint happening'!

And the peace talks? Oh don't even get me started. It's all accusations and finger pointing like a particularly vicious episode of the Quahog PTA. Russia's demanding recognition of Crimea and other annexed territories while Ukraine's all 'Oi get your tanks off my lawn!' It's about as productive as trying to teach Brian quantum physics after a bottle of sherry. Seriously what’s the deal with these two? I bet they're just doing this for attention.

Dead Bodies and Propaganda Games – Charming!

Oh and let's not forget the delightful dispute over the bodies of dead soldiers. Russia's parading refrigerated trucks claiming Ukraine's delaying the return of the deceased. Ukraine's screaming 'propaganda!' faster than I can say 'world domination.' Honestly it's like watching a particularly grim episode of 'Sesame Street,' only instead of counting to ten they're counting corpses. This is worse than the time I had to sit through a Peter Griffin marathon. The horror!

Trump's Take? A Playground Squabble!

And then there's that tangerine tinged buffoon Trump comparing the whole conflict to a fight between young children. 'Let it play out,' he says. Brilliant strategy Donny! I suppose he'd advocate letting me and Bertram settle our differences with a pillow fight. The man's a nitwit. A complete and utter nincompoop! I need a drink. Where's my damn martini?

Drones Bombs and General Mayhem – It's All Kicking Off!

Meanwhile the actual fighting is escalating faster than Brian's attempts to bed a supermodel. Drone attacks bombings missile strikes – it's like a particularly violent fireworks display only instead of pretty colors you get death and destruction. Kharkiv got hammered Moscow's airports were shut down and Putin's threatening retaliation. Honestly this is all becoming rather tiresome. Can't we all just get along? (Spoiler alert: no they can't.)

Will Sanity Prevail? Don't Bet Your Biscuits!

So what's the takeaway from all this? Well aside from the fact that humanity is doomed it's that this conflict is far from over. Russia's digging in Ukraine's fighting back and the peace talks are about as productive as Peter trying to diet. Buckle up my little cupcakes because this could be a long bumpy ride. Now if you'll excuse me I have a world to conquer. And a martini to drink. Pip pip cheerio!