Bloody Hell! Google's in a Spot of Tea with the UK Regulators!

What in the Blazes is Strategic Market Status?

Right then listen up you ninnies because I Stewie Griffin am about to decode this drivel for you. Apparently these blokes at the Competition and Markets Authority (CMA) in the UK are considering giving Google a 'strategic market status.' Think of it as a scarlet letter but instead of adultery it's for being too bloody good at dominating the internet. Honestly it's like punishing me for being the most devilishly handsome baby genius the world has ever seen. It's simply not fair!

Digital Markets Competition and Consumers Act? Oh My God Who Cares?

This designation comes courtesy of something called the Digital Markets Competition and Consumers Act which sounds about as exciting as watching Brian try to write a novel. The CMA armed with its newfound powers like a toddler with a loaded diaper can now directly enforce consumer protections on these tech behemoths. Breach the rules and it's a fine of up to 10% of global annual revenues. Ten percent! That's enough to buy a whole arsenal of laser guns and time machines which coincidentally is exactly what I plan to do once I conquer the world.

Choice Screens? Sounds Like a Right Bore!

If this designation goes through the CMA wants to force Google to implement a series of measures. One of them being 'choice screens.' They reckon it will help people easily select and switch between search services. How incredibly boring. I mean who in their right mind would want to switch from Google? It's like choosing Meg over me in a beauty contest. Utterly absurd!

Fair Rankings? In This Economy?

They also want 'fair and non discriminatory search rankings.' Now that's a laugh. 'Fair'? In this day and age? It's a dog eat dog world darling. Or in Brian's case a dog drink martinis and pretend to be intellectual world. If Google's algorithm favors results about conquering the world then so be it. Survival of the fittest I say!

Google's Whining: A Symphony of Corporate Tears

Of course Google's not exactly thrilled. Some bloke named Oliver Bethell is saying the CMA's considerations are 'broad and unfocused.' He added that Google plans to 'continue working constructively with the CMA.' Oh please! It's like watching Brian try to convince me he's not secretly jealous of my superior intellect. I see right through their crocodile tears! They’re worried about their bottom line! And rightly so. Bow to the rightful heir to the world’s search engine! Or at least acknowledge my brilliance.

The World Vs. Google: A Global Conspiracy?

Turns out other regulators around the world are getting in on this as well. An American judge already ruled that Google holds illegal monopolies and some EU advisor is recommending they dismiss Google's appeal against a hefty fine. It's a full blown conspiracy I tell you! First they come for Google then they come for me! The parallels are simply terrifying damn it!