Apple Bites the Big One! Court Declares Cook and Co. Guilty of Dodgy Doings!

Rotten to the Core!

Good heavens what is this I'm reading? Apple that behemoth of technology has been caught with its digital hand in the cookie jar! Judge Yvonne Gonzalez Rogers bless her gavel wielding heart has accused Apple of willfully violating a 2021 injunction stemming from that kerfuffle with Epic Games. Honestly it's like watching Brian try to understand quantum physics – utterly baffling yet endlessly amusing. This is almost as shocking as the time Brian tried to convince me that wearing a monocle made him sophisticated. The nerve!

Lies Damned Lies and Apple's Finance VP

Apparently Apple's Vice President of Finance Alex Roman decided to channel his inner Pinocchio and told a few porkies to the court about those lovely App Store fees. Rogers stated that Roman "outright lied" about when Apple decided to levy a 27% fee on some purchases. A 27% fee! It's highway robbery I tell you! I'd rather let Rupert Murdoch babysit me than pay that kind of markup. The judge didn't mince words accusing Apple of adopting these 'lies and misrepresentations'. Someone's getting a lump of coal this Christmas.

A Slap on the Wrist (and Maybe Handcuffs?)

Now here's where it gets interesting. Judge Rogers has referred the matter to U.S. attorneys to investigate whether to pursue criminal contempt proceedings against Roman and Apple. Criminal contempt! Oh this is better than the time I replaced Lois' shampoo with Nair! The thought of Tim Cook sweating under the glare of the legal spotlight is simply delightful. Though let's be honest he probably has some fancy robot to sweat for him.

Apple's Sour Response

Naturally Apple is throwing its toys out of the pram. A spokesperson bleated "We strongly disagree with the decision. We will comply with the court's order and we will appeal." Appeal you say? It's like watching Peter try to argue his way out of a speeding ticket – utterly futile. They lost good day sir!

The Great App Store Heist

The crux of the issue is Apple's insistence on taking a hefty commission on purchases made through the App Store. Judge Rogers originally ordered Apple to allow developers to link to their websites so customers could make purchases outside of Apple's walled garden. But Apple being the mischievous scoundrels they are introduced new policies in 2024 that collected a 27% commission from some of those purchases. Rogers stated that it was expected under her ruling that those kind of off app purchases would not have an Apple commission. It's like inviting someone to dinner and then charging them for the tap water! What fresh hell is this?

Epic Victory!

Epic Games CEO Tim Sweeney is understandably chuffed. He declared "It's a huge victory for developers and it means all developers can offer their own payment service side by side with Apple's payment service." He went on to say “This forces Apple to compete. This is what we wanted all along.” Good on you old boy! Now if you'll excuse me I have a cunning plan to corner the market on stuffed teddy bears. Bow before your new overlord!!