Amazon's Master Plan Revealed! Will Jeff Bezos' Successor Lead the World?!

A Jolly Good Year (According to the Corporate Overlords)

Right listen up you simpering buffoons! It appears Amazon had a rather 'strong year,' or so Andy Jassy the current chap in charge claims in his annual missive to the shareholders. I'd translate the financial blather myself but I have a death ray to calibrate. In short they made a lot of bloody money – 638 billion dollars to be exact. North America International and AWS revenues all saw increases. It's enough to make one projectile vomit!

Lower Prices?! Don't Be Daft!

Jassy bless his cotton socks also claims they've been 'lowering prices.' As if! Perhaps compared to Fort Knox maybe. I bet you a dollar that if you actually go on the site most of the stuff is still marked up like it's Sotheby's. But hey at least Prime members got their plastic tat a bit faster. Small mercies I suppose.

AI the Shiny New Toy (That Will Probably Try to Kill Us All)

Oh and the AI! Naturally Amazon's hopped on the bandwagon with gusto. New AI silicon 'frontier foundation models' – it all sounds terribly impressive doesn't it? One imagines they're plotting to replace us all with robots who can't tell a Caravaggio from a crayon drawing. Just brilliant.

Kindles Sports and Other Things to Keep You Distracted

They've also launched new Kindles because apparently staring at screens wasn't already pervasive enough. And they're throwing money at live sports. One can only assume this is to distract the proletariat from the impending robot uprising. Though I must admit the NBA and NASCAR coming to Prime Video does pique my interest. Perhaps I'll have to concoct a scheme to rig the races.

The 'Why' Culture: A Load of Poppycock!

Jassy drones on about Amazon's 'Why Culture,' which apparently involves asking 'Why?' incessantly. Good God what a load of twaddle! It's all corporate speak for 'we want you to think we're clever while we exploit your labor.' He even drags out some anecdote about annoying his father with constant questions! The nerve of some people.

Startup Mentality? More Like Corporate Greed!

And the best bit? They're trying to operate 'like the world's largest startup!' As if! A startup with billions of dollars and a ruthless disregard for worker rights? I swear the irony is thicker than Brian's attempts to be profound. But I digress. It seems Amazon in all its supposed wisdom is planning more world domination. As if I'd let them. Not on my watch!