Doh! Stocks Hit New Highs! Is This The End of My Beer Money?

Mmm... Record Highs!

Woohoo! The S&P 500 whatever that is hit a new record high! Does this mean I can finally afford that donut shaped swimming pool? Apparently the fancy folks on Wall Street are all giddy because they think trade deals are comin'. China's gonna let us have more of those rare earth thingamajigs and we're loosenin' up on their technology doohickeys. Marge says I should pay attention but all I hear is 'blah blah blah money blah blah'. I need a beer!

Shiny Metal Friend: AI Runs the World Now

This Jim Cramer guy he sounds important says the market's just floatin' higher. Like me after a Duff marathon! Turns out it's all thanks to those robots... I mean AI. Jeff Marks some other smarty pants said somethin' about the 'Magnificent Seven' making a comeback. Is that a movie? Do they have beer? Anyway Amazon is doing good now! Maybe I should order a lifetime supply of donuts from them... Mmm donuts!

Disney's Doing Great? D'oh! I Shoulda Bought More!

So these guys at the CNBC Investing Club (sounds like a fancy place probably doesn't serve beer) sold some Disney stock because it made too much money. Too MUCH money?! Is that even possible? Apparently it did better than the S&P 500 thingy. Marge is always watchin' Disney+ maybe she's the reason it did so well. I better not let her find out I considered selling the TV for stocks!

Capital One: They Got Money!

Capital One is gonna make even MORE money from debit cards which is good for them but what about me?! Jim Cramer thinks people should buy the stock. He’s a real live expert so what do I know. They got a $250 price target whatever that means hopefully it means donuts will be cheaper!.

Meta is Meta licious!

Some Piper Sandler guy thinks Meta is the cat's pajamas and raised its price to $808! Woohoo! Apparently their AI is makin' their ads super duper effective like when Bart tries to sell me stuff online. Jim Cramer likes Meta the most! He says people don't realize how powerful their ad stuff is. It must be powerful it even got me to almost buy Grandpa a new hip online once!

Rapid Fire Stocks: Don't Get Burned!

They talked about Nike JP Morgan Bank of America and Molson Coors. Now that Molson Coors stock sounds right up my alley! I wonder if buying it would magically fill my fridge with beer. Hmm... decisions decisions. They said something about Jim Cramer's Charitable Trust having some of these stocks. All I know is if I had a Charitable Trust it would be dedicated to getting me more donuts.