Doh! Is the Stock Market Going to Zero?!

The Sky is Falling! Or Is It Just My Pants?

Alright people listen up! Homer Simpson here your friendly neighborhood nuclear safety inspector (sort of). I've been reading these fancy news articles and it looks like the stock market is doing the opposite of 'excelent'. These Wall Street smarty pants are changing their predictions faster than I change my socks… which is not very often I gotta admit. Seems like everyone's lowering their expectations for the S&P 500. Bank of America Evercore ISI Oppenheimer and even JPMorgan are saying things are gonna go south! South like… Antarctica!

Doh! Numbers Are Scary!

So these guys at Bank of America they cut their target to 5,600. That's like less than 6,666 which sounds pretty devilish if you ask me! They're saying it could even drop to 4,000! That's donut buying money gone people! GONE! And Evercore ISI? They're blaming it on something about tariffs and World War II. Sounds like a history lesson gone wrong. I blame the French!

Blame Canada! (And Tariffs!)

Oppenheimer is saying the magic number is 5,950. JPMorgan? Those guys are the real pessimists. They're saying it could drop to 5,200! That’s lower than my IQ! They’re blaming it on something called “U.S. Exceptionalism” being over. I don’t know what that means but it sounds like something Marge would be worried about. All I know is this tariff business is bad news. Remember that time Mr. Burns raised the price of Duff Beer because of tariffs? Worst. Day. Ever!

Run for the Hills! (Or the Kwik E Mart!)

Apparently Wells Fargo and RBC Capital Markets already jumped ship on Friday lowering their targets too. It's a regular fire sale! And the S&P 500 had its worst day since March 2020. That's like when everyone was hoarding toilet paper and I couldn't find any to clean up after Stampy! The article says people are running from “riskier assets.” I don’t even know what an “asset” is but if it’s risky I want no part of it! Except maybe spicy donuts. Those are a risk I'm willing to take.

Don't Have a Cow Man! (But Maybe Buy Some Gold!)

So what does this all mean? Well according to the article it means the market is going down faster than Bart on a skateboard! I don't know about you but I'm thinking of investing in something safe. Like gold! Or maybe a lifetime supply of donuts. Yeah definitely donuts. I wonder if Apu gives bulk discounts?

Mmm... Donuts... and Economic Recovery?

So should we panic? Maybe a little. But remember what Marge always says: “Everything will be alright.” And if it’s not alright well at least we have each other… and donuts. And maybe just maybe if we all wish really hard the economy will magically fix itself. Like when Lisa solved Springfield's budget crisis with her saxophone! Fingers crossed folks! Fingers crossed! Now if you'll excuse me I hear the Kwik E Mart is having a sale on Squishees!