Doh! College Sports Gettin' Richer Than Mr. Burns!

Mmm... Money!

Woohoo! Turns out college sports are about to get a whole lot more 'ka ching!' Some big shot company called Elevate – sounds like a fancy escalator to me – is droppin' a cool $500 million on universities. They're gonna use it to build new stuff and make even more money! I bet they have a room full of money like Scrooge McDuck but instead of swimmin' in it they count it... probably while eatin' kale.

Stupid Judge Making Schools Pay!

So get this some judge is makin' schools pay athletes a bunch of dough. Up to $20.5 million! That's enough to buy a lifetime supply of donuts... maybe even two! I understand the need to pay college athletes. They train hard. But now these schools are runnin' around like headless chickens tryin' to find new ways to make money. Ay caramba! It's like when Mr. Burns tries to squeeze every last penny out of the power plant.

Elevate to the Rescue! (Or Maybe Not...)

That Elevate company they're like the Lenny and Carl of college sports revenue. They help schools figure out how to make the most moolah. Turns out they are the brains to get more money. According to some fancy pants named Al Guido they're gonna help schools 'professionalize their rights.' Sounds kinda dirty but I'm sure it's just about money money money! He even works for the 49ers. The rich just keep gettin' richer!

New Stuff New Money New... Fans?

They're gonna use all that cash to build new stuff. Modernize venues expand premium seating and even make name image and likeness platforms for athletes. What does all that mean? I don't know! But that Jonathan Marks guy from Elevate says the main focus is makin' more money and makin' fans happy. Maybe they'll start sellin' Duff Beer at the games! That would make ME happy. It's like that time Mr. Burns tried to build a monorail to put Springfield on the map.

Even More Stadiums? Doh!

This article said that there were 58 stadiums and 27 arena projects that are bein' finished in 2025. Now that's a lot of stadiums. I hope they are not an eye sore. Even worse they are building more in 2026. I don't understand why they need more stadiums when they already have a lot already. I wish the builders used that money to build something useful like a donut factory.

Power Four Schools?!

Elevate already closed two eight figure deals with Power Four schools. Turns out Elevate is popular with 60 other university clients which include schools like UCLA Alabama Penn State Notre Dame and Florida. Turns out these schools need the money. If they need the extra 'firepower and the data and insights and support' then they need to just pay college athletes more money so they can all be happy. This is worse than that time I had to wear a suit to work!