Doh! Billionaire Says Stocks Gonna Crash Harder Than Me on a Scooter!

Mmm...Tariffs!

Alright folks Homer Simpson here your financial guru... kinda. So this big shot billionaire Paul Tudor Jones – not to be confused with Tom Jones who I saw in Vegas once – says the stock market is going down down DOWN! Even if President Trump stops slapping those pesky tariffs on China like they're Lenny at the company picnic. Turns out tariffs are like when Marge tries to make a healthy dinner: it sounds good but it ends up being a disaster. 'Doh!'

The Fed? More Like the 'Fred'!

And get this the Federal Reserve – those guys who control all the money – they're not budging! They're just sitting there like me on the couch after a long day of... uh... working. Jones says they ain't cutting rates which is apparently a bad thing. It's like when I ask Mr. Burns for a raise and he just stares at me with those creepy eyes. 'Excellent... for him not for me!'

New Lows? More Like New Doughnuts!

So even if Trump eases up on China Jones says we're still gonna hit new lows. New lows! That sounds worse than running out of Duff Beer at Moe's. He says it's gonna be the biggest tax increase since the '60s. The '60s? I was probably drooling in a crib back then. And apparently it'll take a couple of percent off growth. Growth? What's that some kinda fertilizer?

Rock Bottom Blues!

This Jones fella – the founder of Tudor Investment which sounds like a fancy hotel – thinks stocks haven't hit bottom yet. Macroeconomic conditions are deteriorating which sounds like my car after a date with the crusher. And the Fed is just waiting like me waiting for the next episode of 'Itchy & Scratchy'. They want 'clarity'. I want doughnuts! Is that so hard?

Dovish? Sounds Like a Bird Brained Idea!

Jones says the Fed needs to get 'really dovish' and 'really cut' to avoid new lows. Dovish? Sounds like something Lisa would like. But if they don't we're all doomed! Or at least my chances of buying more donuts are. Then when we're at new lows the 'hard day' begins. Great. Just great. I can already hear Marge nagging me about being responsible. 'Marge the economy made me do it!'

Jones to the Rescue? Or Just Another Smarty Pants?

This Jones guy is apparently famous because he predicted the 1987 stock market crash. So maybe he knows what he's talking about. Or maybe he just got lucky. Who knows? He also runs some charity thingy which is nice I guess. But I'd rather he use his money to buy everyone donuts! Anyway if you see the stock market crashing just remember what Homer Simpson said: 'Donuts is there anything they can't do?' Maybe they can save the economy. Probably not. Doh!