Doh! 60-40 Portfolio is Dead, Says Smart Guy: Blame Our Long Lives, Not the Bonds!

Mmm Investments...

Okay folks Homer Simpson here your guide to not losing all your money before you can say 'Mmm donuts!' So this Ric Edelman guy who used to be in charge of some fancy finance place is saying our old pal the 60 40 portfolio is D E A D dead! You know the one where you put 60% of your hard earned cash into stocks and 40% into bonds? Turns out it's not the bond market's fault it's OURS! We're just living too darn long! I blame those kale smoothies Marge keeps making...

D'oh! Living Too Long?

Apparently people are living longer than ever. Like way past the point where I thought I'd be able to retire and just watch TV all day. Edelman says if you plan to live to 100 and chances are you might that 60 40 thing ain't gonna cut it. You'll be broke faster than I can chug a Duff! He suggests putting 70% to 80% in stocks. More stocks? Risky business! But hey no risk no reward right? Just don't tell Marge if I lose our house...

Future ama!

By 2060 there's gonna be like a gazillion old people! Okay maybe not a gazillion but 95 million over 65! That's a whole lotta Werther's Originals and bingo nights. And get this: a retired couple in 2024 might need $315,000 just for healthcare! That's like a lifetime supply of donuts! The problem is most folks don't have nearly enough saved up. Time to raid the kids' college funds? (Just kidding... mostly.)

Brain Freeze!

This Edelman fella is really worried about us living to 100 and beyond. Apparently science is gonna make us super old! He even has a company that's working on a test to see if you're gonna get Alzheimer's ten years before it hits you. Sounds scary but at least you'd have time to eat all the forbidden donuts before you forget what they are! He says changing your lifestyle could help reduce symptoms from diet to stress sleep and exercise. "All the things we tell you to do for your heart are applicable for your brain," he said.

Bond age!

But wait there's hope! Edelman's talking about something called a 'bond ladder.' It's like a regular bond but with more rungs so you can climb higher! Or something. Anyway they put it in an ETF and apparently it's a good way to get lifetime income. It buys U.S. Treasuries and pays out the interest over time. It's so boring even I almost fell asleep! But Edelman says it's much easier than buying 120 treasury bonds yourself. 'What a nuisance!' Edelman said.

Woohoo! Tax Breaks!

And get this: bond ladder ETFs come with tax breaks! Turns out some of the money you get isn't taxable. So you can live longer AND pay less taxes? Woohoo! Edelman says it's an 'innovative idea' and 'going to catch on.' So there you have it folks. Living longer is great but it means we gotta get smarter about our money. Or just win the lottery. Either way I'm off to Moe's. Duff time!