Citigroup Makes Bank! Doughnuts for Everyone?

Woohoo! Money Money Money!

Mmm money. So I heard this Citigroup place not to be confused with the city where they make those delicious cronuts made a lot of clams er I mean dollars! Like more than those pointy headed analyst guys thought they would. Apparently they made one dollar and ninety six cents per share which is more than the one dollar and eighty five cents those LSEG fellas were yapping about. Who are those guys anyway? Are they like Lenny and Carl but with more numbers and less beer?

21% More?!?! Is That Like 21 More Doughnuts?!

They're saying their profit that's the stuff they get to keep after paying for all the… you know… stuff went up 21%! Twenty one percent people! That's like getting 21% more sprinkles on my doughnut! Or maybe even… 21 MORE DOUGHNUTS! D'oh! I gotta go see if Mr. Burns is handing out bonuses... or at least letting us have casual Friday on a... uh... Tuesday.

Blame Those Tariff Thingies!

Now this lady Jane Fraser the big cheese at Citigroup is yapping about how things are good even though President Trump is messing with deals. She's all like "The U.S. will still be the world's leading economy and the dollar will remain the reserve currency." Sounds like gobbledegook to me! All I know is if those 'tariff' thingies mean less money for doughnuts I'm gonna be really really mad! I'll get Marge to write a strongly worded letter. 'Dear Mr. President We are an angry mob!'

Trading? Sounds Risky!

Apparently these other fancy banks like JPMorgan Chase and Goldman Sachs also made a bunch of moolah. They did it by 'trading' whatever that is. Sounds risky! Like betting on which Krusty the Clown sidekick is gonna get fired next. First Sideshow Bob then Sideshow Mel and now… uh… I forgot the other ones. Point is stay away from gambling kids!

D'oh! Stocks are Down!

But here's the sad part: even though they made all this dough (the money kind not the delicious kind) Citigroup's stocks are down 10%. Ten percent! That's almost as bad as finding out the last doughnut in the box is filled with… vegetables! Apparently it's because of those 'tariff' thingies again! Grumble grumble grumble...

Mmm Updates...

This story is still going on like my quest for the perfect doughnut. So keep checking back! Maybe they'll start giving away free doughnuts if the stock goes back up! One can dream… Mmm dreams...