Screw You Guys, Microsoft's Making Bank! (And I Want In!)

Respect My Authoritah... and Microsoft's!

Alright listen up you little turds! Microsoft yeah the company that makes that stupid computer program everyone uses just announced their quarterly results. And guess what? They're rolling in the freakin' dough! More than you more than me (for now!) and definitely more than Kyle's mom! They beat everyone's expectations. Earning were $3.46 vs. $3.22 expected and Revenue: $70.07 billion vs. $68.42 billion expected. See even they know that making money is what it's all about. Respect their Authoritah!

Azure? More Like A SURE I'LL TAKE YOUR MONEY!

Apparently this 'Azure' thing which I'm pretty sure is just a cloud for storing pictures of Butters in his underwear is making them a fortune. Their Intelligent Cloud unit made $26.75 billion! And their Azure revenue grew 33% with 16 points of the growth associated with AI. That’s up 21% and way more than the losers at StreetAccount predicted. Seriously who are these guys? A bunch of Stan's who don't know how to count?

Trump's Tariffs: Blame Canada!

Okay so Trump that orange dude who's kinda like me but less awesome announced some tariffs. Apparently these tariffs were announced in early April and everyone's worried about how it's going to affect Microsoft. They’re gonna talk about it on some stupid earnings call. I bet it's all Canada's fault somehow! They always ruin everything!

A.I.? More Like Annoying Idiots!

Microsoft's throwing a ton of cash at 'artificial intelligence,' or A.I.. They spent $16.75 billion up nearly 53%! What a load of crap. It's just gonna be a bunch of robots taking over the world. But whatever as long as they're making money while they do it I guess. Maybe I can get an A.I. to do my homework for me.

Even Office and LinkedIn? Seriously?

Apparently those losers still use Office software and even that stupid LinkedIn is making Microsoft money. The company's Productivity and Business Processes segment which contains Office software subscriptions and LinkedIn contributed $29.94 billion in revenue! All I know is if I can use those things to make some fast cash I'm in.

Screw You Guys I'm Investing!

Microsoft also announced an adjustment to its relationship with key AI partner OpenAI they will have a right of first refusal when OpenAI wants new computing capacity but won't always have to deliver it. Whatever that means. The bottom line is this: Microsoft is making a butt load of money and i want in. As of Wednesday's close Microsoft shares were down 7% for the year while the S & P 500 index was down about 6%. This is a sign I tell you! I'm buying Microsoft stock. Screw you guys I'm getting rich!