Screw You Guys, I'm Tanking the Economy! Trade Wars and Why Your Mom's Investments are Toast!

Respect My Authoritah! The Market's Gone to Crap!

Oh my god you guys the stock market is totally f***ed! I'm talkin' 'Kick a Ginger Day' levels of screwed! These stupid trade wars that douchebag Trump started are making everyone lose their minds. It's like when Kyle tries to tell everyone about his stupid Canadian cousin – nobody cares but it still ruins everything! Three weeks ago they announced some dumb 'reciprocal tariffs' (whatever those are) and now everyone's running around like chickens with their heads cut off.

Whatevah Whatevah I Do What I Want! Investors Ditching America!

So get this instead of investing in America people are pulling their money out! It's like when I tried to sell my own theme park – nobody wanted it! Everyone’s buying gold and stuff like they're preparing for the apocalypse. Some nerd strategist is even saying that a 'mild recession' could make the S&P 500 drop to 3,700. Whatever! I bet that nerd is a ginger.

Screw China and Everyone Else! It's All About Me!

And China? Oh they're just as bad. They’re threatening anyone who sides with the US. It’s like when I told everyone they couldn't play with my toys unless they did exactly what I wanted! They even softened their tone? Probably realized they're dealing with ME Eric Cartman the most powerful person in the world! I'm not fat I'm festively plump! But China denies having any talks. Liars!

Lame O Investors are Freaking Out!

All these investors are running around like Stan when he finds out everything is crap buying stocks one day and selling the next. Some dude named Miller says he's sticking to stocks that can make money no matter what. Another dude Hirsch is just shuffling money around like a Jew counting pennies. Probably Kyle.

The Magnificent Seven... More Like the Magnificent Bore!

Next week a bunch of companies are reporting their earnings. Apparently this 'Magnificent Seven' group is supposed to be amazing but they're probably just as lame as Kenny. And get this – analysts are lowering their expectations for the future. So basically everyone's screwed!

Kick the Baby! Job Data and Inflation – Blame Canada!

And of course we're getting all this boring job data and inflation numbers. Who cares? It's probably all Canada's fault anyway! They're always trying to screw us over. The unemployment rate is expected to stay at 4.2%. Big deal! Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go eat some Cheesy Poofs and plot my revenge on Kyle. Respect my authoritah!