Screw You Guys, I'm Shorting Shopify! (And Blaming Trump!)

Respect My Authoritah! The Numbers Suck!

Alright listen up you guys! It's Eric Cartman reporting LIVE from my freakin' mom's basement and the news is NOT good... for Shopify anyway. Their stock is tanking harder than Kenny after a run in with a semi truck. Apparently their first quarter results were all kinds of 'mixed,' which is just a fancy way of saying they sucked! They made a little more money than expected but not enough to buy me my own freakin' amusement park. And their predictions for the future? Total CRAP! They're saying they'll only grow a 'mid twenties percentage rate.' Mid twenties? I want a freakin' HUNDRED percent you guys!

Blame Canada! (And China... and Trump)

So what's the problem? Turns out it's all Trump's fault obviously! He's slapping tariffs on all the cheap crap we get from China and now even rich people those snooty bastards are starting to notice. Shopify sells stuff for online businesses and a lot of those businesses sell stuff from China. But Finkelstein that dork from Shopify is saying not to worry. Only 1% is impacted. He says their rich customers don't care about price increases. Whatever Douchebag!

De Minimis? More Like 'De Minimum Effort!'

And get this! Trump closed some loophole that let businesses import stuff from China duty free if it was under $800. Sounds like a total Jew move if you ask me trying to save a few bucks on cheap crap. But Finkelstein is all like 'It won't have a MEANINGFUL impact!' Oh really Finkelstein? Then why is your stock doing the cha cha down to Hell? Don't try to Jew me with these numbers!

Buy Local? More Like Buy My Crap!

Shopify even added some 'buy local' tool to their site. Like I give a crap where my stuff comes from as long as it's cheap and it gets here before Christmas! Although I guess it's kinda cool 'cause maybe I can sell my Coon and Friends merchandise on there and then I'll be RICH! Respect my authoritah!

Amazon and Etsy Are Screwed Too!

It's not just Shopify though. Even Amazon and Etsy are whining about these tariffs. Amazon is saying they're gonna make less money and Etsy is being all 'nimble' and stuff. Whatever you guys. They're all gonna end up living in a box by the river just like Kenny!

Screw You Guys I'm Going Home (To Short Sell)!

So what's the bottom line? The bottom line is that Shopify is going DOWN! I'm gonna short sell the crap out of their stock and make a freakin' KILLING! Then I'm gonna buy myself a freakin' pony! Screw you guys I'm going home!