Screw You Guys, I'm Not Getting Dementia! (Unless It Means I Forget Butters)

Respect My Authoritah... Over My Own Brain!

Okay listen up you guys. I Eric Cartman am not about to let some stupid disease turn me into a drooling idiot like Grandpa Marsh. This article which I totally didn't skim while eating cheesy poofs says there are things you can do to NOT get dementia stroke or depression. Apparently being a total fatass who hates everyone isn't the key to a long and prosperous life. Who knew?

High Blood Pressure? More Like High Bullsh*t!

The biggest culprit? High blood pressure. Seriously? They want me to cut back on salt? Are you kidding me? Salt is delicious! It's what separates us from the hippies and their bland flavorless tofu. But fine fine I guess I can lay off the extra large servings of KFC for like a day. Maybe. And exercise? Oh come on! That's for Butters and those other losers. But according to these quacks getting off my ass might keep my brain from turning into mush. Fine I'll consider power walking to the fridge. Baby steps people baby steps.

Social Fitness? More Like Social Awkwardness!

And get this: they say I need to have friends. FRIENDS! You know like Kyle Stan and Kenny? Are they serious? Those guys are the worst! But apparently having a social life even if it's filled with annoying people is good for the old noggin. Maybe I'll start a club. A club where everyone does what I say and brings me cheesy poofs. That sounds like a winning strategy.

Healthy Habits? You Mean Torture!

They want me to start all this healthy crap NOW? When I'm still in my prime of being a kid? This is outrageous! I should be able to eat whatever I want and sit on my ass playing video games until I'm 80! But noooo apparently starting young is key. Fine I'll make a deal. I'll eat one vegetable for every time Butters says something stupid. Deal?

Brain Care Score? More Like Brain Fart Score!

Apparently there's a quiz you can take to see how screwed you are. It's called a "Brain Care Score." Sounds like a bunch of hippie dippie crap to me but I guess I'll humor them. I'll answer honestly... except for the part about eating healthy and exercising. I'll just say I'm a marathon runner who eats nothing but kale. Yeah that'll fool 'em!

Screw You Guys I'm Going Home... to Eat Cheesy Poofs!

So there you have it. The secret to not turning into a vegetable when you're old. Avoid high blood pressure have friends (even if they're annoying) and start healthy habits early. Now if you'll excuse me I have a date with a bag of cheesy poofs and a marathon of Terrance and Phillip. Screw you guys I'm going home! But remember respect my authoritah... over my own brain!