Screw You Guys, I'm Mining the Ocean! Trump Tells the World to Respect His Authoritah!

Respect My Authoritah! Trump's Grabbing All the Shiny Stuff!

Alright you guys listen up! President Trump – and he’s a way better president than that PC Principal – has just signed this totally awesome executive order to start mining the freaking OCEAN! Yeah that’s right! We’re talking deep sea mining where we get to rip up the seabed and grab all the nickel copper and those fancy rare earth doohickeys. He said and I quote because I'm important like that 'The United States has a core national security and economic interest in maintaining leadership in deep sea science and technology and seabed mineral resources.' Translation: We need to get this stuff before those darn Chinese people do!

Screw You Hippies! We Need Electric Cars!

So these minerals are apparently super important for making electric cars wind turbines and solar panels. Now I don’t really care about the environment – I mean come on global warming is just a big liberal hoax right? – but if it means I can get a sweet Tesla before Kyle then I’m all in. But of course some hippie environmental groups are whining about how deep sea mining is gonna destroy the ecosystem. Yeah well maybe they should try not being such goddamn hippies! And that Greenpeace USA’s Arlo Hemphill is saying it’s an insult to multilateralism. Multilateralism? What the hell is that? Sounds like something only a smelly hippie would care about.

The U.N. Can Suck My Balls! Trump Does What He Wants!

Apparently there’s this thing called the International Seabed Authority (ISA) some U.N. group that thinks they get to tell everyone how to mine the ocean. Well Trump said 'Screw you guys I'm going home!' (except he's not going home he's mining the ocean!) and decided to fast track everything. They're trying to get rules in place by 2025 but Trump's like 'I do what I want!' You know like when I pretend to have Tourette’s but without the stupid disease part.

China Russia and… Norway? They're All Against Us!

So get this: even China and Russia are pissed off about this! And get this even Norway! NORWAY is siding with China? What the hell? Apparently they're all upset that the U.S. is ignoring the “previously agreed processes.” Like I give a crap about processes! I'm Eric Cartman! I get what I want when I want it! Just ask Wendy Testaburger.

Unexpected Alliances? More Like a Bunch of Butthurt Losers!

These 'analysts' at Eurasia Group – who probably wear sweaters and drink soy lattes – are saying this could cause “unexpected country alliances.” I say bring it on! We’ll just build a giant robot and crush them all! Respect my authoritah! But seriously this is all about getting those sweet minerals and showing China who's boss. It's about being better than Kyle Stan and Kenny that poor stupid kid. But no one loves him everyone kicks him. It's what I've always said!

Sweet! Free Minerals and I'm Not Poor!

So in conclusion screw you guys! Trump's mining the ocean and there's nothing you can do about it! I'm gonna get my cut of those sweet minerals and then I can finally buy that City Wok I've always wanted. Now if you'll excuse me I have to go practice my evil laugh. Mwahahaha!