Screw You Guys I'm Launching My Own Satellites! Amazon vs Starlink Who Will Win?!

Respect My Authoritah Amazon Joins The Game

Oh my god you guys! So apparently Elon Musk thinks he's all that with his Starlink satellites. But now Amazon that stupid company that delivers my freakin' Cheesy Poofs is launching their own! It's called Project Kuiper and they're throwing like billions of dollars at it. Billions! I could buy so many Cheesy Poofs with that kind of money. Anyway this Radoslaw Sikorski guy from Poland he was all like maybe they'll use someone else other than Starlink for Ukraine. And Musk just said 'Be quiet small man.' Can you believe that? Talk about being a douchebag. But maybe Amazon will be cool enough to let Cartman use their satellites for FREE!

Blame Canada and Amazon's Sneaky Plans

So Amazon is launching their stupid satellites from Florida. Who cares? But get this they want the same customers as Starlink. Corporations poor people who can't afford good internet (which is like everyone except me) and governments. And they are talking to Poland about doing so. Meanwhile Starlink already has like a million satellites up there and millions of customers. But it looks like Amazon might win because they're going about things the right way and they aren't giving licenses to countries that aren't allowed to have the service first like Starlink. Screw you guys I'm going home.

DOGE? More Like Double Douche

Okay this is where it gets REAL interesting. So after spending a bunch of money to get Trump elected Elon Musk is now his 'top advisor' overseeing something called DOGE. No not the Shiba Inu dog. It stands for Government Efficiency or something. Sounds boring right? But it's all about shrinking the government including getting rid of stupid regulations. And of course he is having his company Space X visited by DOGE members who are probably looking at Amazon's Space X competitors information. The worst thing about all of this is that DOGE also is in charge of cutting budgets at agencies that oversee Musk's businesses! Awesooome! But you know if this pisses off Jeff Bezos and Amazon then even BETTER!

Favoritism? I Call Shenanigans

So some people are saying Musk is getting special treatment because he's Trump's 'first buddy.' No duh! The FAA is testing Starlink in Atlantic City and Alaska. Other government agencies are checking out Starlink because Musk told them to! And the Commerce Department is changing some program to be 'tech neutral,' which is just a fancy way of saying 'give Starlink more money.' But what if Amazon isn't getting money? Screw them!

Whims of an Executive? I Love Those Whims!

Apparently some countries don't want to work with Starlink because Musk is too close to Trump and China. Taiwan is talking to Amazon about using their satellites instead. Even Putin asked Musk to NOT turn on Starlink in Taiwan as a favor to China! And Canada canceled some Starlink contracts because Trump is putting tariffs on everything. But who cares? I want my Starlink. Screw those guys.

Bezos Bends The Knee...But Still Fails

So Jeff Bezos the head honcho at Amazon is trying to get in good with Trump. He praised Trump for 'grace under literal fire' (whatever that means) stopped the Washington Post from endorsing that stupid Kamala Harris and even dined with Trump at Mar a Lago. Amazon donated to Trump's inaugural fund and made a documentary about Melania Trump! But Trump still calls Bezos "Jeff Bozo"... LOL! And even if Bezos does get some contracts Space X is way better! SUCK IT UP AMAZON!