Screw You Guys, I'm Investing in Lyft (And You Should Too!)

Respect My Authority (and My Investments!)

Okay listen up you guys. Eric Cartman here reporting live from my freakin' mansion (future mansion that is). And I'm here to tell you something important: Lyft is going to be bigger than Butters' mom! That's right some so called 'analyst' at TD Cowen—I bet he's a ginger—upgraded Lyft and he thinks it's gonna like skyrocket! He even called it his 'best smidcap idea' for next year. Smidcap? Sounds like something Kyle would wear but whatever. This guy says it's going up 40%! Forty percent! That's enough to buy a LOT of Cheesy Poofs.

Customer Obsession? More Like Cash Obsession But I'm In!

Apparently the new management team is all about 'customer obsession.' Pfft whatever. I'm obsessed with getting MONEY! But if making customers happy makes me money then sign me up! They've got this 'Price Lock' thing which sounds kinda cool. Even a fatass like me can figure out that knowing how much you're gonna pay before you get in the car is a good thing. Less chance of getting ripped off by some hippy driver.

Tier 2 Cities? Tier 1 Profits!

This analyst dude is all excited about Lyft focusing on 'tier 2' cities. Who cares about Charlotte and Indianapolis? I want New York! I want LA! But fine if those Podunk towns are gonna line my pockets then bring on the tier 2 action! And they bought some taxi app called FreeNow in Europe. Europeans are dumb but hopefully not too dumb to use Lyft and make me rich!

DoorDash and Deals: Sweet!

Lyft is partnering with DoorDash. That's smart! Now I can get Cheesy Poofs delivered to my house by a Lyft driver! Score! More deals equals more money and more money equals more power! You hear that Kyle? POWER!

Autonomous Vehicles: No More Hippy Drivers!

Okay this is where it gets interesting. Autonomous vehicles! That means NO MORE STUPID DRIVERS! Finally a ride without having to listen to some guy blather on about his band or his feelings. Lyft is testing them out in Atlanta and Dallas. Driverless cars? It's about damn time. They're gonna expand the rideshare market to people who don't wanna deal with people. Sounds like a freakin' gold mine!

Screw You Guys I'm Getting Rich!

So there you have it. Lyft is the next big thing. Sure some other analysts are being all neutral like they're Switzerland or something. But I Eric Cartman am telling you to BUY! BUY! BUY! Because respect my authority! And respect my future wealth! Now if you'll excuse me I have some Cheesy Poofs to order. From DoorDash of course. Driven by Lyft. In a driverless car. It's all coming together you guys. It's all coming together.