Screw You Guys, I'm Investing in Coke! (And You Should Too, Dumbasses)

Respect My Authoritah! And My Stock Picks!

Alright listen up you Butterses! Eric Cartman here and I'm about to drop some knowledge on you that'll make you richer than Kyle's stupid condescending cousin from Connecticut. We're talking about Coca Cola KO on the stock ticker and it's about to explode like Kenny after a visit to Casa Bonita!

Cup and Handle? More Like Cup and *Gold* Handle!

So apparently there's this thing called a 'cup with handle' pattern. It's like the stock price makes a little cup shape then it pulls back like a little bitch for the handle and THEN BAM! It shoots up like a rocket! And guess what? Coke's chart is showing this 'cup with handle' thing and if it breaks $74 we're talking $85 minimum! That's more money for me to buy Cheesy Poofs and plot against Kyle!

Momentum Schmomentum! Ignore the Nerds!

Okay so some dweebs are saying the momentum is 'weakening.' Yeah well their brains are weakening! Who cares about some stupid RSI when you're talking about Coca Cola?! Everyone loves Coke! It's like the American Dream in a can! Besides if the RSI gets stronger when it breaks out it proves I'm right. And I'm ALWAYS right! Ask anyone.

PPO? More Like 'Profit Potential Obvious!'

There's some other mumbo jumbo about a 'PPO indicator' giving a 'buy signal' in February. All you need to know is that it means BUY BUY BUY! Coke bounced off some moving average thingy and now it's going to the moon! Remember when I manipulated the market in that World of Warcraft thing? This is even easier!

PepsiCo? More Like Pepsi Sucks Co!

And here's the best part: While Coca Cola is busy being awesome PepsiCo is failing harder than Kenny trying to ask a girl out! They're making new 52 week lows! Haha! Serves them right for not being as delicious as Coke! Probably because they don't respect my authoritah!

Screw You Guys I'm Getting Rich!

So there you have it! Eric Cartman's official stock tip: Buy Coca Cola! You'll thank me later when you're swimming in money like Scrooge McDuck. Just don't come crying to me when you're still poor because you didn't listen. Now if you'll excuse me I have some Cheesy Poofs to eat and some dreams of world domination to plan. Respect my investment advice!