Screw You Guys, I'm Investing! Cartman's Guide to Making Bank (and Owning the Libs)

Warner Bros. Divides? Good More for Me!

Okay so apparently Warner Bros. is splitting into two companies. One for streaming and the other for... whatever the hell CNN and Discovery are. Zaslav that dude is running the streaming part. Honestly who cares? As long as they keep making new episodes of Professor Chaos I'm good. But if they screw it up I'm gonna say 'Respect my authoritah!' and sue them all. And they're gonna give me money you know to go away! Sweet!

Apple's WWDC: Wake Me Up When They Invent the iButt

Apple's having some stupid developer conference. Everyone's saying their stock is doing 'poorly'. Poorly? They're Apple! They could sell iCrap and people would line up for it. But fine if their stock is cheap maybe I'll buy some and then sell it for a HUGE profit! Then I can buy City Wok! And then... I will make them change the name or I will unleash Kyle upon them he can be very annoying hehe.

Nvidia's Trade Deal: Rare Earths? More Like Rare Awesomeness!

Some dude named Jensen Huang is talking about Nvidia chips and rare earth elements. Blah blah blah who cares? The important part is that there might be a trade deal with the UK. UK? Whatever. As long as it makes me money I'm in. Plus if Nvidia makes better chips maybe I can finally run the new Terrance and Phillip game on max settings.

Oracle's Failing? Not On My Watch!

Oracle's stock is going down. The hell you say! Some bozos at BMO Capital lowered their price target. Well I for one think that those guys are just big fat stupids! I will be buying the dip and once it skyrockets I will make them all eat their words. Not to mention my own farts.

China Trade War: They're All Dumbasses!

We started a trade war with China without getting our rare earth stuff sorted out? What the hell? That's like going to war with a water balloon when they have a freakin' nuclear arsenal! China is a bunch of dumbasses and I will not be lectured by a country who's only good at making garbage toys that don't last more than 5 minutes. We need to get our act together and exploit them harder. I mean get those trade deals done! South Park forever!

Other Stocks Who Cares? Just Give Me My Money!

Okay so some people are talking about GE Walmart Lululemon (ew) Broadcom and Affirm. Whatever! Just tell me which ones are going to make me the most money so I can buy a freakin' amusement park. I need to get back to plotting my domination of the fourth grade and I can't do that without some serious cash. So hurry up and tell me which stocks to buy you guys!