Screw You Guys, I'm Going to Switzerland! Wealthy Americans Bail on This Country!

Respect My Authoritah… and My Money!

Alright you guys listen up! This is Eric Cartman reporting live from… well not Switzerland yet but soon! I'm talking about all these rich Americans ditching this Butters filled country and running to Switzerland to open bank accounts. Seriously screw you guys I'm going home… to Switzerland! It's all part of some fancy pants 'de Americanization' thing which basically means they're smarter than all of you poor people.

Blame Obama Blame Covid Blame Everything!

Apparently this isn't new. This Swiss dude Pierre Gabris – sounds like a fancy French name for a weenie – says it happens in 'waves.' Like when Obama got elected then with Covid and now because of tariffs. So basically everything's someone else's fault just like when Kyle farts and blames it on me! They're all just saying 'Oh the dollar's gonna be crap because of all the U.S. debt!' Wah wah wah! Cry me a river you hippies!

Stable Neutral and Full of Gold! (My Kind of Place)

So why Switzerland? Well according to these fat cats it's because they're 'neutral' and have a 'stable economy.' Plus they have tons of gold! GOLD I tell you! I freakin' love gold! It's like Cheesy Poofs but… shinier and worth more. They also say they got a 'reliable legal system,' whatever that means. Probably means they won't let Kyle sue me for all the awesome stuff I do.

Trump's Fault? You Guys Are Such Hippies!

Some of these guys are blaming Trump and saying the 'rule of law' is going down the toilet in the U.S. Oh boo hoo! You guys are such hippies! Maybe if you weren't all so PC things would be different! But whatever more gold for me when I get there!

Plan B: Buy Property Get Citizenship Profit!

These guys are also looking for a 'Plan B' – sounds like a lame sequel to a good movie but whatever. They want to buy property in Europe and get a second citizenship. Smart! That way when the U.S. finally goes to hell in a handbasket they can just bail and leave all you losers to fight over the scraps! Good luck with that you nerds!

It's Easy Just Don't Be a Dumbass!

Opening a Swiss bank account isn't as hard as Kenny trying to read a book but you gotta follow the rules. No funny business you hear? You gotta tell the U.S. government about it. Even though it used to be for tax evasion now it's all legit with tax forms and stuff. But still it’s a good way to keep your money safe… from Kyle!