Screw You Guys, I'm Going Home...With Ulta's Money! CFO Quits!

Respect My Authoritah...Or Else!

Alright listen up you guys! It's Eric Cartman here and I've got some serious news for you about Ulta Beauty. So this lady named Paula Oyibo who was supposed to be in charge of all the money just up and quit! Can you believe it? It's like when Kenny dies except this time it's someone important… maybe. Whatever! She bailed after just over a year. I bet she realized running a company is hard work and she'd rather be playing video games or something. Respect my authoritah you guys! Or maybe she just couldn't handle my level of awesomeness.

Lame o Replacement Dude

So now they've got this other dude Chris Lialios filling in. He's been there since like forever – 1999! Sounds like a total dweeb. I bet he still wears those pocket protectors and talks about spreadsheets all day. The company is searching for a permanent replacement so I'm thinking I should apply! I mean how hard can it be? Just make sure all the money ends up in my bank account right? Simple!

Whateva Whateva I Do What I Want!

Ulta Beauty is saying they're still on track to grow their sales and make a ton of money. They're all excited about these new makeup brands like Milk Makeup and some K Beauty stuff. I don't know what any of that crap is but if it means more money for me I'm all for it! It's like when Mom lets me buy Cheesy Poofs – pure profit!

The Stock is Down? Blame the Hippies!

Apparently the stock went down a little bit after this Oyibo lady left. Figures! Everything is always someone else's fault! I bet it was those damn hippies protesting something stupid. They're always ruining everything! This is almost as bad as when Kyle tries to tell me what to do. Screw you Kyle and screw you hippies!

Kick Ass and Take Names! (Mostly Mine)

Even though the stock dipped a bit when the lady left it has actually gone up about 6% this year. Pretty good right? But get this – it's lost 11% since that lady took over in April last year! Ha! I told you she sucked! That's what happens when you don't listen to me. I'm Eric Cartman! I know everything!

I'm Not Fat I'm Big Boned!

So yeah that's the story. Some lady quit the stock went up and down and I'm still the coolest kid in South Park. Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go eat some Cheesy Poofs and plot how to take over the world. Or at least how to get all of Ulta Beauty's money. Because you know I'm not fat I'm just… big boned!