Screw You Guys, I'm Getting a Jeep Cherokee (Maybe, If It's Not Lame)

Respect My Authoritah! (And Jeep's New SUV)

Alright listen up you guys! Cartman here and I'm dropping some serious knowledge on you about this new Jeep Cherokee. Apparently Jeep is trying not to suck anymore after like six years of being totally lame. Bob Broderdorf (whoever the hell that is) says this new Cherokee is gonna have more 'product innovation choice and standard content.' Sounds like a bunch of hippie crap to me but whatever. Maybe they'll throw in a free bucket of KFC. Now that's what I call content!

Hybrid? You're Breaking My Balls Jeep!

Okay so here's the deal. This Cherokee is supposed to have some 'hybrid powertrain' thing. They won't say if it's a regular hybrid or one of those plug in thingies. Honestly who cares? As long as it gets me from my house to Kenny's house to laugh at him dying I'm good. But if it's one of those electric cars that takes forever to charge forget it! Respect my time! And my Cheesy Poofs won't wait!

Affordability? Screw You Hippies!

Apparently Jeep's been too expensive or something. Like anyone cares about being cheap! But whatever this new Cherokee is supposed to be 'competitively priced'. I bet that just means it's still gonna cost more than my mom makes in a year. But hey maybe I can convince her to get me one...for my birthday...or Christmas...or just because I'm Eric Cartman!

Made in Mexico? Not Cool Dude!

Here's the kicker: This Jeep is probably gonna be built in Mexico! Seriously? What about 'Merica? Blame Canada! Actually no blame Mexico! Donald Trump tried to stop this crap with his tariffs and stuff (whatever those are) but it looks like Jeep's still being a bunch of cheapskates. Fine whatever. As long as my Jeep has heated seats and a killer sound system I don't care if it was assembled by freakin' aliens!

Jeep's Losing Streak: Sad!

So like Jeep's been losing sales for six years. Six! That's like a whole kindergarten! And apparently this new CEO guy Antonio Filosa is supposed to fix things. Good luck buddy. You're gonna need it. Because if this new Cherokee sucks I'm gonna tell everyone to buy a Hummer instead. Screw you guys I'm going home!

Winning Mainstream Lineup? I'm Going Home!

I just don't care I need to go and see Kyle getting his ass kicked by Stan or something because this report makes me want to puke out all my cheesy poofs. Also screw you guys I am going home!