Screw You Guys, I'm Getting Smart Glasses! Meta and Oakley Team Up to Make You Look Like a Tool!

Respect My Authoritah! Meta and Oakley Together at Last!

Alright listen up you guys! It's Eric Cartman reporting live from my mom's basement! Apparently Meta – yeah the Zuckerberg dweebs – teamed up with Oakley those glasses people to make some new 'smart glasses'. They're calling them the Oakley Meta HSTN and get this they want almost 400 bucks for 'em! Seriously? Butters could probably make better glasses out of popsicle sticks and Elmer's Glue.

How Stunningly Stupid! (Or So They Say)

So these HSTN glasses – which by the way is pronounced 'how stun' – are supposed to be for athletes. Athletes! Like anyone who buys these is actually gonna do sports. More like sitting on their fat asses watching TV and ordering DoorDash. They already did a thing with Ray Ban and apparently it was a “surprise success”. What a load of crap. Nobody likes Ray Bans anymore. Except maybe Randy Marsh when he's Lorde but that's a whole other story.

PRIZM Lens Technology? More Like Schmism Lens Technology!

Apparently these glasses have Oakley's 'PRIZM Lens technology' to help athletes see better. Yeah because athletes are too stupid to see without special glasses. These things are supposed to work in all kinds of weather which is great for me. When I'm riding my scooter in the snow. Screw you guys! I'm going home… with these glasses!

Meta AI? More Like Meta Loser AI!

These glasses also have Meta AI so you can ask them questions and stuff. Like 'Hey glasses where's the nearest City Wok?' Or 'Hey glasses how can I convince Kyle to give me all his toys?' But seriously who needs that? Just ask Siri she's way better at getting under my skin. She always understands my demands you know?

Limited Edition? More Like Limited Brains!

Of course there's a 'limited edition' version with gold lenses that costs even more. 500 doll hairs seriously? Only dumbasses would pay that much. Wait a minute… maybe I should buy them and sell them for even more! Respect my authoritah! Ka Ching!

Screw You Alphabet and Snap! I'm Getting Mine!

Alphabet and Snap are making their own smart glasses too. Who cares? They can all suck my balls! I'm getting these Oakleys because I'm Eric Cartman and I deserve the best. And if you don't like it you can kiss my fat ass! Now if you'll excuse me I have a new pair of glasses to obsess over.