Screw You Guys, I'm Getting Smart Glasses! (And You're Not!)

Respect My Authoritah... to Buy Glasses!

Alright listen up you stupid fat asses! Cartman's here to tell you about the latest greatest and most importantly the thing you can't have: these new Oakley Meta HSTN smart glasses. Meta and those fancy pants at EssilorLuxottica are teaming up to make sure all the jocks look even cooler than me. Can you believe that?! Butters probably already pre ordered like ten pairs!

How Stunned Are You Gonna Be When I Flex These?

So these 'HSTN' glasses – or 'how stun,' as the losers at Meta call them – are supposedly for athletes. Yeah right. Like I'm gonna believe Kyle needs these to see better when he's crying about everything. They start at $399. Four hundred freakin' dollars! That's like a whole month's worth of cheesy poofs! But whatever Mom will buy them for me. She always does. She loves me after all.

Beyond Ray Ban?! Screw You Hippies!

Apparently Meta and Luxottica already had some stupid Ray Ban smart glasses. Who cares? Ray Bans are for hippies. These Oakleys are way more badass. It’s like they are testing the waters to see which brand will get the most attention. What I would like to know is if these glasses can block annoying ginger cries.

Prizm Lenses: Seeing the World Through My Awesomeness

These glasses have Oakley's 'PRIZM Lens technology,' which supposedly helps athletes see better. Whatever I'll just use them to spy on Wendy Testaburger. They’ll help me find the perfect angle to catch her in the act with Token. I wonder if these glasses are able to work at night because that would be awesome. Just picturing it now… Mwahahaha!

Battery Life? Perfect for World of Warcraft Marathons

The article says these things have a better battery and a better camera than those stupid Ray Bans. I don’t need to hear anything else. All I know is that these Oakleys are the new go to device to record everything. Including my next World of Warcraft adventures!

Gold Lenses?! I'm Not Fat I'm Festively Plump!

There's even a limited edition version with gold lenses and accents for $499! Gold you guys! That’s like saying “Hey look at me I’m Eric Cartman and I’m richer and cooler than all of you combined!” Pre orders start July 11th. I better get one before Butters does. He can be such a little b*tch.