Screw You Guys, Im Getting Rich (Off This Trade War)!?

Respect My Authoritah (On the Stock Market)!

Alright listen up you guys. It's Eric Cartman here and I'm gonna tell you what's what with this whole U.S. China trade war thing. It's basically a bunch of crap but also a HUGE opportunity for me to get even richer. You see those dumb adults are fighting over tariffs and stuff and it's messing with the stock market. But I'm way smarter than all of them.

Blame Canada? (Or Maybe China)

So apparently this whole trade war is causing the S&P 500 to take a dive. It's like when Kenny dies every episode only instead of Kenny it's your hopes and dreams of affording a new Xbox. The article says something about 'bear market territory' and blah blah blah. All you need to know is that the adults are screwing things up as usual.

Stagflation? More Like Crap flation!

These Wall Street guys are whining about 'stagflation' and 'deflation'. Whatever! All I care about is if it's gonna affect the price of my Cheesy Poofs. If I have to pay more for my Cheesy Poofs because of this China crap I'm gonna be seriously pissed. I'll unleash the Coon on those Chinese people. They will rue the day they messed with Eric Cartman's snack time.

Screw You Guys I'm Diversifying!

So what's a brilliant entrepreneurial kid like me supposed to do? Well the article mentions some stocks that might be okay like this 'BYD Electronic' and 'Haier Smart Home'. Sounds boring but if it makes me money I'm in! And this 'Kweichow Moutai' sounds like some kind of fancy Chinese liquor which means it's probably expensive and I can sell it for a profit. Sweet!

Get Rich or Die Tryin' (Or Just Cryin' for Cheesy Poofs)

This Kai Wang guy from Morningstar says the Chinese economy isn't as bad as everyone thinks. He's probably right because everyone else is dumb. He also likes this 'Grab' company. I don't know what it is but it sounds grabby and I like grabbing things. Especially money. So I am going to stick with the plan of getting rich no matter what it takes.

Respect My Financial Prowess!

So there you have it you guys. Eric Cartman's expert analysis of the U.S. China trade war. The bottom line is it's a bunch of crap but also a golden opportunity for me to become even richer and buy even more Cheesy Poofs. Now if you'll excuse me I have to go figure out how to short sell some Chinese companies or something. Respect my authoritah! And don't even THINK about touching my Cheesy Poofs.