Screw You Guys, I'm Getting My Packages On Time (Maybe): FedEx Sorta Does Good, But Still Probably Sucks

Respect My Authoritah! FedEx Boasts About Being Awesome

Alright listen up you guys! FedEx yeah THAT FedEx the one that always loses my freakin' Kenny McCormick doll says they made a bunch of money! Like a whole four BILLION dollars in cost cutting! They're all 'Oh we're so great we hit our goals!' But I bet they still can't deliver a package without crushing it. Seriously it's always Kyle's fault somehow when my stuff arrives late. Screw you Kyle!

Blame Canada (and the Stock Market)

So they made more money right? But guess what? Their stock still DROPPED! Like five percent! Can you believe it? It's all a big conspiracy I tell you! Probably those Canadians manipulating the market. Or maybe it's because they're planning to be even MORE cheap next year and cut ANOTHER billion dollars. Token probably understands this but I don't care respect my authoritah!

Better Than Expected But Not Good Enough for Wall Street D Bags

Okay so here's the deal. They made $6.07 per share which is apparently better than those Wall Street douches expected who thought they'd only make $5.84. And they raked in $22.22 billion! I bet they're all swimming in money like Scrooge McDuck while I'm stuck eating cheesy poofs and dealing with Kyle's smug face. It's not fair I tell you! Not fair!

Package Volume Up? Probably Full of Kyle's Crap

Apparently the number of packages they shipped went up six percent. Probably all Kyle's eco friendly crap that no one wants. And home delivery? Up TEN percent! Seriously who needs that much stuff delivered? Maybe it's all going to Butters 'cause he's so gullible he probably buys everything he sees on TV. Oh hamburgers!

The DRIVE Program: Sounds Like a Stupid Car Show

So they got this thing called the 'DRIVE' program. Sounds like some stupid car show Kyle would watch. But apparently it's how they saved all that money. Probably by firing a bunch of people and making the rest work twice as hard. But they're saying they're going to keep cutting costs which means even slower deliveries for me! Goddammit!

Screw You Guys I'm Going Home (and Waiting for My Package)

Alright I'm done with this stupid report. Basically FedEx made some money cut some costs and their stock still went down. And I'm probably still gonna get my packages late. So screw you guys I'm going home... to wait for my freakin' Kenny doll! And if it's crushed I'm blaming Kyle!