Screw You Guys, I'm Eating Cava! Mediterranean Chain Laughs in the Face of Your Poverty!

Respect My Authoritah... and My Pita Chips!

Oh my god you guys listen up! I Eric Cartman am reporting on some seriously important stuff. Forget your stupid Sweetgreens and your broke ass McDonald's. Cava is where it's AT! That's right while everyone else is crying about the economy Cava is raking in the dough. Probably because it's delicious and not made of poor people. Seriously you guys get with the program.

Traffic is Up and So Is My Appetite!

So like Cava’s CFO Tricia Tolivar (whatever Tolkien) said they saw more people buying the good stuff like pita chips and those fancy schmancy juices. And get this people are even spending MORE money per person! That means more for ME obviously. It's like when I tricked Butters into selling kisses – pure profit I tell you! Cava's the same way. It's genius I say! Genius!

Trading Up Bitches!

Turns out people are ditching the greasy garbage at McDonald's and those pretentious sit down places for some Cava. They are trading up for the good stuff and I don't blame them. It's a trend you guys. A TREND! Finally people are realizing that Cava is where it's at. Respect my authoritah and get some hummus dammit!

Chipotle is for Chumps!

That loser Chipotle is losing customers because people are scared of the economy. Ha! Serves them right for not having enough cheesy poofs or the foresight to know that being broke is for poor people. Cava is still doing great. Which means I can get more bowls and they can cry about how they're going out of business from lack of traffic and sales. Serves them right you guys!

Money Money Yeah Yeah!

Cava's making BANK you guys. Net income is up sales are up and they're even opening more restaurants! They anticipate adjusted earnings to be around $152 159 million! That means more Cava for everyone... well mostly for me. But you can have some too I guess. Don't get any ideas though.

Screw the Outlook I'm Eating!

Okay so their stock is down a bit and they're being all 'conservative' with their predictions or whatever. Who cares? As long as they keep making delicious food I'm happy. Screw the economy! Screw Trump's tariffs! I'm Eric Cartman and I'm going to Cava! Now if you'll excuse me I have some pita chips to devour. Respect my authoritah!