Screw You Guys, I'm Buying Foot Locker! Cartman's Take on Dick's Sporting Goods Mega-Deal

Respect My Authoritah! Dick's Wants to Rule the Sneakerverse

Oh my god you guys! Dick's Sporting Goods those losers are trying to buy Foot Locker for like $2.4 billion! Can you believe it? I knew it! This is just like when I tried to buy that amusement park Pi Pi's Splashtown. I'm gonna be rich! I'm gonna have so much money I can buy all the cheesy poofs I want. And Nikes? Forget about it! I'll be swimming in 'em! Apparently they want to get more kids those little Butters types to buy their crap. Well good luck with that! You know what I'm sayin'?

Foot Locker's CEO is Such a Dumbass

So this Mary Dillon chick who's the CEO of Foot Locker has been tryin' to fix things over there. But apparently she's been failing! What a dumbass! Now she says this whole deal is a "testament" to her work. I mean come on! It's more like a testament to her screwing everything up. I could run Foot Locker better than her and all I wanna do is play video games and eat snacks. I'm gonna get her fired and take over! Then I will finally have my Kick Ass store!

Twice the Size Twice the Power! Screw You Foot Locker!

Dick's is like way bigger than Foot Locker. They make like a bajillion dollars more. Now they're gonna boss Foot Locker around like they're Butters! It's gonna be hilarious! They're saying they'll keep Foot Locker's brands like "Foot Locker Kids" and "Champs". But let's face it I don't go in there! All I want is to sit in my room and eat snacks.

Nike is Mine! MINE!

Okay this is the best part. Dick's and Foot Locker are like the main places that sell Nikes. So if they team up they basically control all the Nikes! All those shoes! I'm going to build a shrine to Nikes in my basement! This is awesome! I will finally be the coolest kid at South Park Elementary! Screw you Kyle! I'll have more Nikes than you have stupid hats!

Goin' Global! I'm Coming for You World!

Foot Locker's got stores in like twenty countries. TWENTY! So now Dick's can go global too! Prepare yourselves world! Cartman is coming for you! I'm gonna spread my awesomeness everywhere! And you know what that means? More cheesy poofs for me! HAHAHAHA!

Investors Are Freaking Out! Good!

So after this deal was announced Foot Locker's stock went up a ton! But Dick's went down! Serves them right! Investors are probably thinking "Oh no what if Cartman takes over and ruins everything?" Which let's be honest I totally would. But that's what makes me so awesome! But some stupid analyst thinks it's a bad idea. What does he know? He's probably just a smelly hippie.