Screw You Guys, I'm Building a Trade War! Cartman's Take on Trump vs. China

Respect My Authoritah... Or Else!

Alright listen up you guys. It's Eric Cartman here and I'm gonna tell you what's what with this whole China versus the U.S.A. crap. Apparently Trump—who let's face it isn't as cool as me—wants to make all the awesome high tech stuff here in America. But China led by that President Xi Jinping guy is all like 'Screw you Kyle! We're gonna build everything ourselves!' They're doubling down on making stuff which is totally uncool because they’re not sharing. It's like when Kyle won't share his toys; it's just not fair!

Made in China... And Only China!

So get this: China's President Xi he's running around telling everyone that making all their own stuff is the 'right path' and the 'backbone' of their economy. What ever! The World Bank says they made like 25% of their money last year just by making stuff. Now Trump's all pissed because he thinks China's cheating by giving free money to their companies. It's like when my mom buys me a new Wii and everyone else has to pay for theirs! Not cool for the rest of us!

No Big Deal? Oh It's a Big Deal!

Some dude named Allan von Mehren from Danske Bank (who cares right?) says there's 'little scope' for China to change its ways. He thinks Trump is gonna slap a 40% tax on all their junk. Forty percent! That’s like charging Kyle forty percent more for his stupid Canadian toys! Serves him right! China's been planning this for years with something called 'Made in China 2025.' They wanna make everything from electric cars to robots. Robots! I want my own robot butler damn it!

Show Me the Money (They Stole From Us)!

Apparently China is throwing a ton of money at this. Some report says they're spending way more than the U.S. on helping their companies. They give them free money and lower their taxes. It's like a giant Communist lemonade stand where everyone gets free lemonade except us! But guess what? They're still messing up! They couldn't make all the robots and space age stuff they wanted to. HA! Serves them right!

Trade Rebalance? More Like Trade Bullcrap!

Some Treasury Secretary guy thinks we can all just get along if we buy more of their stuff. That's crap! I don't wanna buy anything from China! They make everything with cat pee and communist cooties! Some other guy thinks China will just flood the world with cheap crap. That's what I'm talking about! Everyone will be walking around in clothes made from recycled diapers! I want to be rich not wear diapers!

Screw You Guys I'm Going Home (and Starting a War)!

So China's making so much crap that even Europe is getting pissed off. They're redesigning Santa Claus toys to trick Europeans. Freakin' unbelievable! And all the big finance guys are meeting to figure out how to stop China from taking over the world. They might try to mess with China's licenses and stuff. China is also undercutting all those poor countries like India. But some dumb economists think this might make stuff cheaper. Whatever I want my freakin' robot butler and I want it now! If I don't get it I'm going to kick Butters in the nuts!