Screw Work-Life Balance: Eric Cartman's Guide to World Domination (Through Overwork, Duh!)

Respect My Authoritah! (And My Work Ethic... Sort Of)

Okay so I heard these VC douches are complaining that Europeans aren't working hard enough. Like apparently they need to be doing this '996' thing – 9 AM to 9 PM six days a week. Seriously? That sounds like something Kyle would do. But these guys are saying Silicon Valley and China are kicking our butts 'cause they're all about that hustle. Well screw them! I'm Eric Cartman and I'm all about respect but I also know that if you want something done right you gotta make Butters do it.

Lame Os and Deca Corns

So some other genius is saying that Europe is totally keeping up with these things called 'deca corns' – companies worth over $10 billion. Klarna Revolut Wise and Checkout.com. Whatever. Still they haven't made a trillion dollar tech firm like Nvidia . That's where the problem is! Maybe it's because everyone is trying to be PC and not working hard enough. They need to understand there are Winners and there are Losers. And I KNOW which one I am!

Hustle Porn is for Douches

Apparently these stupid European founders and VCs think '996' is just 'fetishization of overwork.' What does that even mean? But they're also saying that Revolut one of those deca whatever companies had a horrible culture because they were working too hard and they had trouble getting a banking license. Maybe they needed to be more like Cartman and less like Kyle!

Screw the Team!

One lady even said Europe's successful companies didn't overwork but innovated! Innovation my ass! What good is innovation if you're too tired to enjoy the fruits of your labor? And another idiot said that there's no need for 996 and that it's against European values. Well screw European values! I want to be rich and I want it now! They should just respect my authoritah!

Poach the Douchebags

Then there's this other girl who said that overwork creates a revolving door of talent. She literally said "I hope my competitors are doing 996. It makes poaching great people a lot easier when they decide they've had enough." See? That's the kind of evil genius I like! And some other dude is saying you can't 'prescribe' working hours because it's bad for people's wellbeing. Wah wah wah! Who cares about wellbeing when there's money to be made?

Where's My Funding?!

The real problem is that Europe isn't giving startups enough cash! Some broad said they need 'more aggressive funding' so they can hire more people to work intensely without breaking themselves. Well duh! I could have told them that. And apparently Europe has missed out on like billions in growth stage funding. So basically Europe needs to give ME all the money and I'll make sure everyone works hard. And by everyone I mean Butters. Now respect my authoritah or you will Suffer!