Respect My Authoritah! Kind Bar Billionaire Diversifies His Stash, Screw You Guys, I'm Going Home!

Sweet! More Money for Me!

Oh my God you guys! That dumbass billionaire Daniel Lubetzky the dude who made like a bajillion dollars off those stupid Kind bars is now investing in even MORE stuff! Like who needs more money seriously? But whatever it's his cash and I'm sure he'll find a way to screw us all over somehow. I hate him! Respect my authoritah!

Beyond Snack Bars: Screw You Hippies!

Apparently this Camino Partners thingy is now all about 'longevity.' What's that even mean? Oh they're throwing money at gyms and home healthcare. So basically he wants to live forever while the rest of us are stuck eating Chef's Salty Chocolate Balls and dying young. That's not fair! Screw you guys I'm going home! Also more snack bar founders are getting in on the game so screw them too.

Real Estate? You're Breaking My Balls Here!

And get this! The guy who invented Hot Pockets—yeah those things that give you the Hershey Squirts – now owns like a million apartments. He sold frozen food manufacturer to Nestle! That's just great. So while you're all freezing your asses off in some crummy apartment he's probably swimming in a pool of money. This is why I hate the government! They're all in cahoots!

Education Wave? More Like A Tsunami Of Bullshit!

This lady Elle Lanning who works for Lubetzky says it's all about educating people about health and stuff. Oh yeah because going to Barry's fitness chain is like nutrition?! Give me a break! It’s just another way for rich people to feel superior while the rest of us are eating Cheesy Poofs and watching Terrance and Phillip.

From Start Ups To Sell Outs!

So they used to invest in like small companies but now they only want to invest in stuff that already makes a ton of money. Sounds about right. And Lubetzky can't handle admitting when something sucks which is why he needs Lanning to do it for him. What a tool!

Experts? More Like Nerds!

Now they're investing in aerospace and 'deep tech.' Probably building a spaceship to get away from all us poor people. But don't worry they're using 'experts' because they don't know anything about science. Douchebags! Well whatever I'm gonna go eat some cheesy poofs and watch TV. Screw them all! They can all suck my balls!