Morgan Stanley Makes Bank While You Sit on Your Fat Ass!

Respect My Authoritah! (And Their Profits)

Okay listen up you guys! Eric Cartman here reporting LIVE from my mom's basement. And let me tell you I'm PISSED. Not because I didn't get my Cheesy Poofs (though that's always a factor) but because Morgan Stanley is raking in the dough! They just announced their first quarter earnings and it's like 'Screw you guys I'm going home' amounts of cash. $2.60 a share? Seriously? I bet they're all laughing while you're stuck eating ramen noodles. God DAMN IT!

Equity Trading? More Like Equity OWNAGE!

So apparently these guys made a killing on equity trading. A whopping 45% increase! They're saying it's because of 'rising global volatility'. I don't know what that crap means but it sounds like something only a smelly hippie would say. All I know is while everyone else is freaking out about the economy these guys are just sitting back counting their money and probably laughing at us all. It's not fair! I want my equity! WAITING FOR THE CONSOLS IS NOT AN OPTION!

Hedge Funds? More Like Hedge MY Funds!

And get this: they made a TON of money off hedge funds. Hedge funds! You know those shady groups of rich people who manipulate the stock market so they can buy bigger yachts and pay less taxes? Yeah those guys. Morgan Stanley is basically enabling them. I mean come on! This is exactly the kind of crap that makes me want to start my own country and ban all adults over the age of 10. Screw you guys I'm going home and when I come back I'll be the leader of my own country.

Trump's Trade Policies? Blame Canada!

Of course they're blaming everything on President Trump's trade policies. Like it's HIS fault they're making so much money. Whatever! Maybe if everyone would just listen to ME things would be different. We need to build a wall! And not just on the border but around Wall Street too. Keep those greedy bastards locked up!

Wealth Management? More Like Wealth MIS Management!

And then there's the wealth management thing. Apparently they're raking in fees because the stock market was doing well. So basically they're making money just for existing. It's like when Butters gets grounded for no reason! It's not fair! I deserve to be rich and powerful too! I should start my own wealth management firm. I'd call it 'Cartman's Kick Ass Investments'. I'd be rollin' in the dough!

Screw You Guys I'm Going Home... To Get Rich!

So there you have it. Morgan Stanley is rich you're probably poor and I'm stuck in my mom's basement. But don't worry I'll figure out a way to get my piece of the pie. I always do. Just you wait and see. I'll be richer than Bill Gates smarter than Oprah and more powerful than… well you get the idea. Respect my authoritah! And get me some Cheesy Poofs MOM!