Apple Bites the Big One: Judge Calls 'Em Out for Being Total Douchebags!

Screw You Guys I'm Suing Apple!

Oh my god you guys! Apple those freakin' Butters they're in trouble! Turns out this Judge Yvonne Gonzalez Rogers—not as cool as Kenny McCormick but still—she says Apple totally lied in court about their stupid App Store fees. Like a whole 27% they were trying to sneak out of everyone's pockets! It's like when Kyle tries to tell me there's no such thing as the Tooth Fairy. I know when I'm being scammed you guys!

Alex Roman: More Like Alex Retarded Am I Right?

So apparently this dude Alex Roman—some fancy pants Apple finance guy—he straight up lied to the judge! Lied! Under oath! I mean I lie all the time but I'm Eric Cartman! I'm allowed to! But Apple? They're supposed to be all sophisticated and stuff. The judge called him out on his total BS and said Apple's lawyers were lying as well. Respect my authoritah!

Apple's Own Documents Prove They're Evil

The best part? The judge says Apple had documents proving they knew exactly what they were doing and they were deliberately picking the most anti competitive options. It's like when I planned that whole scheme to get the Wii first! Totally evil but totally worth it. Except in Apple's case it backfired! HA!

Tim Cook Chose... Poorly!

Even Phil Schiller some other Apple dude thought taking a cut on web links was a bad idea. But Tim Cook that dingleberry ignored him! The Judge even said 'Cook chose poorly'! I mean seriously how dumb can you be? I bet I could run Apple better than that turd burglar!

Epic Games Wins! (But They're Still Hippies)

So Epic Games—those guys who make Fortnite which is kinda cool I guess—they won! Their CEO Tim Sweeney said it forces Apple to compete. Whatever as long as I get my free V bucks I don't care. But seriously Apple has to stop with their stupid commissions on web links effective immediately! Awesome o!

Screw You Apple! I'm Going Home!

So yeah Apple's screwed. They're gonna appeal but the judge is like "No do overs you little twerps!" They even have to pay Epic Games' attorney fees! Serves 'em right! Now if you'll excuse me I'm gonna go play video games and plot my next world domination scheme. And maybe order some Cheesy Poofs. Screw you guys I'm going home!