AWESOME! The Army's Getting a Super Cool Upgrade (Screw You, Butters!)

Respect My Authoritah! (And My Drones)

Okay listen up you guys. I'm Eric Cartman and I'm reporting on some seriously cool stuff happening with the U.S. Army. Apparently they're finally realizing that tanks are like totally lame against drone strikes. I mean duh! It's about time they started listening to ME! This whole thing is happening at some place called the "Box" in Louisiana. Sounds boring but trust me it's not when you hear about the sweet tech they're getting.

Screw You Guys I'm Getting AI!

So they got this new thing called a "transformation in contact" brigade. Sounds like something Butters would name his hamster but whatever. The important thing is that these guys are getting ALL the new toys: artificial intelligence freakin' SpaceX Starlink internet (so they can watch South Park obviously) and autonomous vehicles. That's right vehicles that drive themselves! Imagine all the fun you could have... like driving it into a group of hippies or something! The Commander of the 101st is all like "The technology has improved and we're trying to maintain pace with that." DUH!

Kick Ass For Freedom! (And Maybe Some Respect)

This Gen. Randy George guy the Army Chief of Staff is saying this is a "paradigm shift." Basically it means they're finally getting rid of all the old junk. About time! He's also talking about how they're going to be buying stuff that's cheap and easy to make. No more of those expensive tanks that can be blown up by a ten dollar drone. Because I mean come on! Who needs a VCR when you can stream pr0n in HD? He's all like "We need to have the latest technology that's on the battlefield.". So true! Now will someone get me a Cheesy Poof?

Andreessen Horowitz? Sounds Like a Douchebag's Name!

There's this lady from some investment firm Katherine Boyle talking about how the Army is finally making cuts and spending money the right way. She calls it "DOGE ing oneself." What a stupid name just like Kyle's mom. She says it's hopeful for people who want to build new technologies. Whatever as long as it means more drones and less annoying bureaucrats I'm all for it!

SWEET! Drone Troubles Solved in 24 Hours

The best part is that these soldiers are working directly with the companies that make the tech. Like this one drone company Skydio. Their drones weren't working right at first but they fixed it in like a day! Turns out it was just set to low power. The Army is going to get the technology that they need FAST and that is a dream come true!

I Want My Autonomous Humvee NOW!

They're even retrofitting Humvees with self driving tech! How cool is that? Some startup called Applied Intuition did it in just ten days! Ten freakin' days! This General George guy is right "Our troops can handle the move. They can go fast and so what we've got to do is break down all the bureaucracy." Now if you'll excuse me I have to go practice my evil laugh. Mwah ha ha!