Stocks Soar to the Moon! Are We Finally Rich, Baby?

One Million Dollars!

Minions! It appears the S&P 500 is on a winning streak. Six days baby! Six! Which if my calculations are correct (and they usually are except for that one time with the laser...and the sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads) means we're getting closer to funding my latest diabolical scheme. Forget world domination we're talking about owning the entire SOLAR SYSTEM! And maybe getting a really REALLY big cat.

Tariffs? More Like Terrific!

Apparently some tariff thingy caused a dip but it's back up! Up I say! Like my mojo after a successful Austin Powers trapping attempt. This 'easing tariff rate' business is doing wonders for investor 'sentiment'. Sentiment schmentiment all I care about is how much closer this gets me to my ONE MILLION DOLLARS! (adjusted for inflation of course... so like $43 billion).

Bank of America? More Like Bank of EVIL!

Bank of America you say? Their 'Global Equity Risk Love Indicator' went from 'deep panic readings' to 'neutral'. Neutral! That's like a beige suit! Where's the excitement? The danger? The THRILL of possibly losing everything? I need that risk to make my evil plans work! But alas it appears things are looking up...for now.

The Bull Market is Back Baby!

This Ritesh Samadhiya fellow from Bank of America is spouting nonsense about market breadth and monetary easing. All I hear is blah blah blah PROFIT! He even says 'markets may continue to climb higher.' May?! MAY?! I demand certainty! I'm Doctor Evil not Doctor 'Maybe Things Will Work Out Okay'.

3% Away From Total Victory!

Only 3% away from its record closing high of 6,144.15?! Minions prepare the celebratory sharks with lasers! But only if we actually reach the goal. No premature shark laser deployment. We learned that lesson the hard way (poor Mr. Bigglesworth!).

Momentum Schmomentum!

This Jessica Rabe person from DataTrek Research is blathering on about momentum lagging. Lagging?! Like my golf swing? Nonsense! We will harness this 'momentum' and turn it into pure unadulterated EVIL! And maybe get a new pair of moon boots. Those things are expensive you know.